For the past week, Texas has been as cold as her heart...
Barren, desolate cold that sinks into your bones like the cold a Nor'easter provides...
For too long Her mind reminded me of home...
There were subtle similarities...
Alternating comfort and chaos...
Families are like that, aren't they?
People putting up with each others crazy while still loving them despite it...
I've also learned, long ago, that you can love someone like life itself,
And also hate them to an equal degree...
We exist between the extremes of our experience...
The in between times where we contemplate rather than react...
Often times, when we are reacting to the extremes of positive or negative,
We are simply being what we were programmed to be,
But we are not being who we really are...
Not who we were meant to be...
Tape loops and trauma bonding...
CPTSD and co-dependent ideation...
Hypervigilance, our own thoughts shocking us awake like gunshots in the middle of the night...
Waking us in cold sweat agony...
This too shall pass, but not before small pieces of your soul are torn away...
They grow back, given time, but they leave their signature in the flesh of your mind...
Psychological keloid scars...
What was once smooth and supple becomes textured like a 3D topographical map...
Like the human brain, however, the more folds there are,
The more processing power you have...
These little traumas increase and enrich you rather than diminish you
Even though it feels like starving at the time...
Even though it feels like Texas during the week after Valentines, 2021...
I'm here, but I'm not from here...
I was born and raised in harsh conditions like these...
I'm well neigh indestructible, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pain...
Doesn't mean I don't feel the hemostatic scalpel cutting into my flesh
While cauterizing the wound it creates...
I've been eviscerated, many times actually, in real life, on the operating table,
But only lost a teaspoonful of blood, according to the medical staff...
I guess, one way or another, most of us have been through some shit...
Gotten tangled in the skein...
Acts of God that don't feel like the love promised to us...
They don't make us feel loved by the Universe, quite often...
I guess that doesn't mean the love doesn't exist; I'm alive, after all...
I guess I've also learned that often times love is pain...
It can bring comfort, true, and genuine warmth...
It can fill up the depths of your soul,
But it can also suck the warmth out of your core leaving you feeling desolate and empty...
It gives and it takes, like Job's experience of God...
The sun shines on the blesséd and on the wicked...
The rain falls on both, as well...
There is no reward or punishment, even if it feels that way...
It is what it is, and I am that am...
While I hold some credence for the idea of karma,
I often think there is no meaning to anything at all
But for what we personally ascribe to random events swirling in the void from whence we came...
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