Touch

 Caring for the elderly...
It's my job...
It's also
My only physical interaction
With other human beings,
At the moment...
Occasional changing of diapers...
Maybe a hand to shoulder,
Or a pat on the head...
Giving them a hand to hold...
Speaking in tongues
Like Baptists
In the full on throes
Of righteousness
Because that is the only language they speak...
Mostly just 
Nonsense babbling...
If it weren't for this job,
I would be so much worse off
During this divorce...
I don't find it easy
Socially reconnecting...
Having a job
That serves a 
Socially archetypal purpose
Keeps me sane...
Feeding another person
Is an intimate experience...
Deciphering their ramblings
To uncover who they were
Before dementia set in...
Trying to isolate
What parts of their behavior
Are evidence of what's left
Of their actual personality...
These are very intimate things...
They fill some human need...
Interaction and grooming...
Like monkeys
Picking ticks
Off of another's back...
Wolves regurgitating food
For elders who can no longer 
Effectively hunt or chew...
We take care of each other...
We're supposed to...
It's how we are wired,
Ideally...
And they can relate
To isolation,
Wordlessly,
Better than almost anyone else...
Sometimes
They just need a hand to hold...
And that's okay...
Sometimes
I need a hand to hold, too...

Being Human

The body is lonely...
That's just normal human shit...
We're social animals designed for community,
Usually...
Wired to respond
Positively to touch...
Wired to need touch...
But as much as my body
Wants sensual touch,
At the moment,
My intellect wants nothing to do with it...
Too many obstacles...
Too many strings,
And chains...
Too many attachments
To have to make
Or break...
I'm mostly introvert...
Mostly exhausted
By human interaction...
Mostly attract
Damaged individuals
That further damage me...
Like attracts like?
I'd love to be a God,
But I'd also
Love to be a Devil...
Anything
That has power
That is not leveraged
Against fragile human ego...
Whether my fragile human ego,
Or someone else's fragile human ego...
I feel like jelly right now...
Like a jellyfish
Stranded on the beach...
No spine...
No brain...
Just a stomach with streamers
Covered in toxic spines...
Snuggle up next to that...
Feel the warmth offered by the microbes decomposing a cadaver...
I just want to sleep...
I know that's just garden variety depression...
Valid depression that has a real world cause
Rather than simply brain my chemicals 
Being out of whack...
Now,
I have my room,
A bed,
A vehicle,
And the internet...
My closest hometown friends
Are thousands of miles away....
I don't want to isolate,
But I don't know
Who or what
Would change that reality...
Don't know who would want to
Help make that change happen...
Don't even know how
To expedite that process anymore...
I'm not exactly
Cheerful and uplifting company
Lately...
On the verge of tears
For weeks and weeks
But the tears never come...
Stuck in the gears,
Little wrenches,
Each one...
There's a surprising amount of fatigue
From emotional catatonia...
Actual physical fatigue...
Like a wind up toy
Grinding gears
To a slow stop...
Simultaneously wound up too tight
And also completely exhausted
Of potential energy...
Just a kiss on the forehead
Would be nice...
A gentle caress...
A hand
Playing with my hair...
So much to miss...
Being human sucks...

That's My Shit

Sitting in the Jeep,
Smoking a cigar,
Waiting for the laundry to be done...
Going over
Everything
In my head,
Still...
Still 
Having swerves in emotional stability...
Crises of conscience...
I know I can be hard to love sometimes,
But things were feeling hollow towards the end...
I felt alone...
She felt alone...
Cramped together into her tiny, overstuffed room...
That's some shit...
I couldn't figure out her language...
I was walking on rice paper
To keep 
From saying exactly the wrong thing
At exactly the wrong time...
My silence made her feel
Isolated...
And my eventual fear of speaking my thoughts or opinions
Made it that much worse...
But if I had fully opened up,
She would have likely ended things much sooner...
Not that she hadn't "ended things" every month or so...
Yes,
I still miss her touch...
And that sucks, and all,
But it's all a part of the process...
We were not a good fit...
Neither of us were prepared for the other...
I sure as Hell didn't know what I was getting myself into
(I never do...)
Really didn't have a clue
Going in
How much it would fucking hurt,
After all was said and done...
How much agony could be reaped from trying to love someone...
But,
Damn!
If this one didn't break me,
Nothing can...
Lucky for me, I'm used to cocooning...
Pupating...
Metamorphosizing...
Who knows what will emerge next...
Who knows what I will become?
You fools!
This isn't even 
My final form!!!
(Couldn't help myself...)
I enjoy memes...
The destruction of words is a beautiful thing...
Not in an Orwellian fashion, though...
It's just a shifting of the vowels...
Language is alive...
Shit happens...
Often shit we don't want...
Shit we never imagined we would have to feel...
Shit we wouldn't have signed up for if we had been using our heads a little more
Rather than using our hearts exclusively...
But,
There it is...
That's your shit...
Now you've just got to deal with it...

Identifying New Emotions

 I guess this new feeling is called loneliness...
Straight up...
Although the room is cozy,
Sometimes it's a little too big...
Like a dog raised in a crate suddenly released outdoors...
Grass and mud...
Rabbits and butterflies...
Things you'd expect dogs to love...
But, sometimes,
The dog still loves the cage...
Maybe "love" isn't the best choice of words...
But they fear everything else more...
Love is a cage...
It can be...
If you aren't very careful,
and it's not death that do you part...
My favorite Tinman quote:
"You people with hearts Have something to guide you, and need never do wrong; 
But I have no heart, and so I must be very careful."
And I can feel that emptiness...
That tangible absence...
A cool draft,
Even though all the windows are closed,
And the door is shut tight...
What terrors lurk in the night?
I don't remember my dreams lately...
I assume that I do dream...
It's only human...
I'm not always good at doing "human"...
Social beings...
I seem to have forgotten how to be social...
Work and home...
Some supply runs...
Even attempted some dating sites,
But nothing clicked...
All want-to-be-wives or escorts...
Commitment extremes without many in-betweens...
Everybody wants something...
Pretty slim pickings, regardless (especially in my "age group"...)
The internet is for porn and memes,
I really don't know what else to do with it...
My awkward charm works great in person,
But it doesn't translate well into text for "flirting"...
Contrary to popular belief,(strange what some people believe)
I have not been "knee deep in pussy"...
Oh!,
I just identified another emotion...
Self-pity...
Damn...
Walked right into that shit...
May quarantine measures be significantly eased by mid summer...
That would be nice...
Been isolating a bit too much lately...
Oh, well...
Back to Netflix...
x

Hunger Pangs

 A little bit of a rough day...
Anxiety kicking in
A little...
Nothing unmanageable,
But it gnaws at you
Like hunger pangs...
I could probably stand to eat...
You forget about
Necessary things like sustenance 
When the mind is 
Somewhat spun up...
It's a feeling like 
Something bad
Is happening somewhere...
To be honest,
There's always something bad
Happening somewhere...
I'm just telling you what it feels like
To feel like 
Doom is around the corner...
To feel like you're aware of it...
Low level doom,
But doom none-the-less...
No Hollywood explosions
Or stunning cinematography...
Garden variety annihilation...
It gets the heart rate up a bit...
Of course,
The mind is often a little tender
After a therapy session...
Thinking a bit more deliberately
About what's eating you
Usually triggers some growth...
Sometimes uncomfortable,
But necessary...
Insignificant, yet paranoiac fears
Pop up and disintegrate
Like dancing fireflies
Or scattered embers
Floating up
Orange
In a vortex of heat
And light...
When you're used to living
Inside of stress,
Imagining every outcome
In any given situation...
A super-computer 
Simulating war games...
Faster than light
Quantum calculations...
When you think like that,
Real world disasters and fiascos
Are just
Something you've got to get past...
There's always work to be done...
And there's always a way
To survive
And do it...
We aren't given much choice
When it comes to that...
"This too shall pass"
Is a nice little truism
To get you past the stress
Of being a living organism...
That will pass, too...
Silence will eventually endure...
For now,
Even silence is stressful...
Radio silence...
I may have said some things
That set that bridge on fire...
Things that may have
Damaged the transmitter
That used to bang out
Morse code...
Messages 
that I no longer wanted to hear...
You get used to things after awhile...
Even the things
You don't like
You sometimes miss...
I don't know
What she is now...
Everything has changed...
There is nothing left to miss
Other than 
The first time I kissed her
For real...
Paris has burned
To the ground...

Why Do Birds Sing?

 

"Why do people fall in love,
And then leave?"
I heard a girl ask.
It wasn't about me.
It wasn't asked of me.
She didn't know I was aware.
It wasn't recent.
Hindsight is 20/20...
(A cliché ruined by 2020, btw)...
Looking back,
I feel less and less
Attached...
Examining the past
Like detailing a car...
Getting into
The nooks and crannies
Where the dirt
Likes to hide...
I see the reasons for things...
The motivations behind the actions...
And they are not
Always admitted...
Not always verbalized...
But I can hear them...
I can hear the whisperings
Of moments I should have
Held in the forefront
Instead of futilely
Attempting to opt for peace...
My voice
Trapped inside of me...
It's hard to give someone
An honest opinion
When someone is demanding
An honest opinion...
Raging at you...
Honesty doesn't always
Go over well...
It often
Makes explosive situations
Much, much worse...
But I know now
The disagreements we had
Were carbon copies
Of disagreements
She's had 
With other lovers...
Earlier models...
 "Why do people fall in love,
And then leave?"
That question she asked
Of a friend
About a psychological affair
She'd had...
She thought he was
"Falling in love" with her...
(Long-distance Messenger Romance)...
And then he stopped talking...
I think she didn't mind
The boy possibly being in love with her
In the slightest...
Despite our marriage,
Such as it was...
It "validated" her existence...
What she minded
Was that he took that love away
(From her perspective) ...
Ah! I get it now...
One of the many reasons
She would accuse me, falsely,
Of infidelity in thought or action...
There are more moments
Like this
That have to be cleansed...
But I know where the 
Jealousy came from...
From her to me...
I know why 
She accused me
So often...
Guilt is a bitch of a thing...
People often accuse others
Of the lust in their own soul...
The stains on their own conscience...
And I am feeling
Zero guilt...
Having been accused of things
That never happened...
I can definitely sleep at night...
The more I look back
The farther back
Everything gets...
It's clearer,
But it's smaller...
Just another diamond
Twinkling in the sky...
Easy enough
To lose in a galaxy of stars...
 "Why do people fall in love?"
Is a better question...
Why do fools
Fall in love...

Not What She Thinks

 Haven't buried my passion for her
In someone else...
Not yet...
Not really even trying...
Even just finding someone
To fuck
NSA
Would cause trouble...
There are always strings...
This feast of emotion
Is mine alone...
Haven't buried my emotions
In drugs or alcohol...
None of those things numb me
Anyways...
They kind of make
The emotions
A bit more tender
Rather than less...
And I don't need someone
Holding my hair when I puke,
And then calling it
A love song...
I've had weekly therapy...
I take time out
To write through
The confusion and emptiness...
I take time to find
The little bits of me
That need consolidating...
The bits of me
That are still me...
I've spent decades
Trying to fit into
Other people's lives...
But people get selfish
With things like family...
The wives I have chosen
Have had little self control,
Yet they couldn't give up
The little that they had
Over their children...
A step-dad
Could not be given
A share of the parenting
Because the biological "fathers"
Were worthless,
Or heartless,
Or spineless...
But they were men,
And I'm a man,
So I got a good bit of the venom
Meant for those others...
Momma bears
Think only they
Can care for their offspring,
Even if they
Are one of the main reasons
Their kids are struggling...
Coming forward
And stating a truth
Would destroy
The delicate balance
Between husband and wife...
Stating any harsh truths
Upsets the illusion...
Gets you called a liar...
Or cold...
Or heartless...
Or that's been my experience...
Anyway,
I haven't done anything
To lessen the pain
Except to try to heal...
I know she 
Is trying everything she can
To stop feeling...
Doing everything she can
To distract her mind
From the pain that she caused...
Sex, drugs, and rock and roll...
Y.O.L.O.
Strange,
Since she's the one
Who sent me away...
She's the petitioner...
Judge, jury, and executioner...
I heard tears
Muffled beneath
That ominous black hood...
As if the axe
Didn't want to fall...
But she brought it down, 
Regardless...
That last night
That I saw her face 
In the flesh...
Thunk!
Blue sky...
Sparrows exhaling birdsong...
Smudges of white smoke
Painting the sky
From oozing chimneys...
x

The Beauty of Decay

 Still having
An occasional hard time
Letting go...
There is still that ache...
Things have gone too far
Down the current path
To go back...
I'm not talking about
Reconciliation...
It just still hurts...
So much misunderstanding...
Like we were speaking
Two different languages...
There's all kinds of things
I could do
To run away 
From these feelings...
Lots of things I could do
To not feel...
But I won't grow past this
By running away...
I won't fully heal
By avoiding the pain...
Another body
Won't fix it...
Drugs and alcohol
Won't fix it...
Disassociating 
Won't fix it...
Looking into its eyes,
Holding its face in my hands...
This must be the
Depression phase
Right before acceptance...
But my heart
Still hasn't 100% let go...
It still feels that
Empty space 
She used to fill...
And she's moved on...
Running
As fast as her legs
Will carry her...
I made it easier
For her to cut ties...
I gave her good reasons
To stay away...
Heartbreak 
Can give you
A mouth full of fish hooks...
Cold steel words...
She would have kept trying
To remain
"Friends"...
I always have trouble
Trying to avoid the thought
That she tries to do that
To ease her conscience...
If we were "friends,"
Would that make her
A better person?
Would that lessen the blow
To her own ego?
No worries about that now...
I think Godzilla
Stepped on that bridge...
Crackling blue fire breath
Incinerating/melting crushed steel remains...
She's taken care of...
Her baser needs are met...
Wish I could say the same
About my own baser needs,
But I'm too busy
Trying to survive,
While getting my brain 
Somewhere near healthy...
Looking for balance...
Another relationship,
At this point,
Would only
Continue the destabilization...
I have to focus on me...
Get through the pandemic...
Do I fight with
Or against
The Resistance?
At this point
In American history
There are so many
Opposing nutcases
Resisting each other,
It's often hard
To pick a flavor...
As above, so below...
What's going on 
Inside people's heads
Is so much worse
Than
What they let out...
All of the ugly...
The beauty of decay...
The end of the road
Only leads to another road...
May she find happiness
Wherever she decides to go...
As tempting as it might be
To wish she felt pain
And loss...
But that's not the way to growth...

S.S.D.Y.

 S.S.D.Y.
That's 
Same Shit, Different Year...
Sure,
The country
Has radically changed 
With the
Changing up of a President...
Took out some trash...
But,
On the personal front,
It's back to
Survival...
Work, sleep,
Work, sleep,
Etc.
Throw in a little therapy
And work on
Personal growth...
Pay bills,
Pay bills,
Pay bills,
Work, sleep...
Watch some t.v.
Etc.
Don't worry...
I have hope...
I'm not sinking too far into depression...
Just a little heartbreak...
Just another divorce...
Here I go again
On my own...
Living an 80's power ballad...
All hair bands
And bare chests...
In the videos, anyway...
You kind of 
Get used to it after awhile,
Heartbreak...
Takes a little work
Accepting your faults
And separating them
From theirs...
Takes a little work
Hanging on to the belief
That you still deserve love...
I know that I do,
I'm just saying...
The work
Is hard work...
What's me?
What's them?
Who were "we" together?
Who are we apart?
Yeah,
It still hurts a little
(A lot)
To think about her...
And at times
I have lashed out in anger...
Verbally...
What are you supposed to do
When it feels like
Your heart is getting torn out
Of your chest
And there's nothing you can do
To stop it...
That was then...
Recent then,
But then none-the-less...
And it's not the first time...
The pumps been shredded
Innumerable times...
It keeps beating...
It keeps setting itself up
For more precious abuse...
I gotta get a handle
On these cycles,
These seasons...
Sun, moon, 
Sun, moon, 
Etc.
Love, loss,
Love, loss,
Love, loss,
Etc.

Disclaimer

 These things I post...
They are not facts...
They are emotions...
Reality,
The outside world,
May play a part,
Inspire or incite the emotion
I'm attempting to convey,
But the inner world
Is what I am describing...
Events transcribed
Might be real-world,
Or they may be
Total fiction...
As an observer,
You have no real way
To tell the difference
Except through careful discernment,
And close familiarity 
With the source events...
That is not the point.
What's important to me is
How did it make you feel?
What kind of gut reaction
Did it cause?
What emotion did it elicit
When you were first exposed?
And the word "you" here...
I feel like I have to say
This is the indefinite pronoun
Usage of "you"...
You, the reader...
Whoever you are...
Friend or foe...
Apathetic onlooker, even...
Did it stir your mind
Enough
To feel something...
Even if it was ugly...
That matters to me, too...
So,
Back to my original point,
What you read here
Is not objective reality...
I am not an objective observer of my own life...
I have my biases...
These are visual descriptions
Of my inner world...
Emotions and emotional reactions...
Conjecture and fictionalization...
Some things might be real...
Something actually experienced...
Others might be
Hyperbole to clarify
The expression of the emotion...
[But, as the memes say,
If the shoe fits...]
Sometimes the source content
Is not the most important part...
You can't really count on
Anything here
Being real or not...
Don't dwell on that thought...
Just allow yourself space to feel it...

De Nada

 She thinks I'm stalking her...
That I hacked her...
That I'm watching her
Every move...
But I don't have to...
My friends,
And some of her "friends", too,
To be honest,
Do that for me
(The stalking, not the hacking -
There was no hacking...)
Without even asking,
I get to see her life
In screenshots via PM...
And it's not a very complex puzzle...
She talks about who
She's been with,
And when,
On her wall,
Thinking that she's speaking
In poetic code...
But her "code" is childlike and transparent...
Like Hansel and Gretel lost in the woods,
She leaves a wide trail of breadcrumbs
In her wake...
How do I know
The things that I know,
She might ask.
How did I seem to know this event,
And when it happened, 
Or this person's specific name?
Well, my dear...
Aside from blind luck 
And educated guesses,
A lot of it is because 
I know you.
I know your habits.
I know your patterns.
I've been studying you intently
For about 8 years of our entanglement...
Every word, every action, every text,
Every message...
Every breath you took...
Every move you made...
I could easily tell you
What you're going to do next.
Even who it might be with.
I don't have to see your wall.
I don't have to really
See what you post.
It's a gift and it's a curse.
Like the cyclops
Who sees the future,
But only sees how and when
He will die...
I try to see what is, though,
Rather than what could be...
It's easier to sculpt a scenario
When you are familiar
With the base material,
The "now" stacked on top of the "was"...
It's easier to solve a crime
When you actually have all the facts...

Enduring Projection

 It seems strange
That everything she accused me of,
Everything she accused me of being
And doing,
She was doing or had done,
If not in actions,
Then in thought...
Projection
Is destabilizing...
I guess that is its purpose...
It can make you
Question your own sanity...
Question your own thoughts...
Professional
And well practiced 
Gaslighting...
Akin to narcissistic abuse,
It attempts to drain your power
While charging the abuser
With narcissistic supply...
If you let them
Get to you...
I let her
"Get to me"
For two years solid...
*
I honestly thought
We had a chance...
After every fight
I would struggle
To build our bridges back up...
Mend the cracks...
Learn to communicate better...
But, every time,
It was a fool's errand...
We wound up
At the same crossroads
Periodically...
Her casting me out...
Then apologizing,
And begging for me
To come back...
Then attacking me for leaving...
Even though
She was actually,
Emotionally,
Abandoning me...
Over and over and over...
This was my life with her...
I think she knew
Exactly how it made me feel
Every time she "ended things"...
I think she knew
The terror it made me feel
To lose her...
And she capitalized on that fear...
Used it in attempts 
To shackle me...
To punish me...
To control my emotional life
Since she had
Absolutely zero control
Of her own...
She swung her emotions
Like a spiked truncheon
Or a Morning Star...
Like some medieval torture device
Designed to inflict
Maximum pain...
She couldn't feel love...
She could intellectually
Recognize it,
Name it in a police line-up,
But she could never
Really receive it,
Not believing,
Deep down,
That she deserved it...
It's something
She desperately wanted,
But couldn't recognize
When it was in her hands...
*
I've known her for years...
Every one of her
Relationships, the same...
The same patterns emerging
Time after time...
She doesn't realize how closely
I paid attention
Over those years...
How detailed and accurate
My observations can be...
I still allowed myself 
To become entrapped
In her web, however...
None of my observations
Forewarned me
Of the future to come,
They simply
Presented me
With what my brainstem 
Considered to be
A noble cause...
A challenge...
I've said it before,
The "White Knight/Savior Complex"...
Funny thing,
Most of those saviors
End up dying on a cross...
x

Stages of Grief

 So, why do I post this shit?
I don't know,
Maybe someone else
Is going through it,
Or has gone through it,
Or may be on the verge
Of going through it...
Whatever "it" happens to be...
Maybe they will understand...
Relate...
Not feel so very alone...
Tip a scale...
Start the Rube Goldberg machine...
Maybe it will help them understand
The things endings do
To hearts and minds...
There's a lot of ugly...
Denial...
Anger...
Bargaining...
Depression...
Acceptance...
[Not necessarily in that order...]
(And even the acceptance
Can be ugly -
What are we accepting?
The death of something precious.)
Till death do you part
In this century
Seems to refer to
Metaphorical death...
To that point in the marriage
Where the magic dies...
When illusions are stripped away
Only to be replaced
By each respective party's 
Misapprehensions of the other...
Their false beliefs 
About their partner...
Perception is everything...
And no two people
Perceive the same thing
In the same way...
Existence is "slippy" that way...
No two people's truths
Are the same,
An especially frustrating reality
When those two people
Are in a relationship,
When they've both
Forgotten how to communicate
Their fears, their needs, their dreams...
Did they ever know how?
Tragic shit...
All Romeo and Juliette...
[Don't Fear the Reaper
Cover tune could be 
An appropriate soundtrack here...]
"Valentine is done...
Here, but now they're gone...
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity, Romeo and Juliet...
40, 000 men and women everyday, Like Romeo and Juliet...
40, 000 men and women everyday, Redefine happiness...
Another 40, 000 coming everyday, We can be like they are..."
Has a song ever saved your life?
Or kept you afloat?
I miss that feeling...
Gonna have to reload my phone with music...
Get rid of some
Emotionally obsolete bands...
Triggers...
A handful of memories...
A change of pace...
Working towards
Something that moves me...
Inspires me...
Comforts me...
And soothes me...
Hopefully,
I can help you
On your journey,
Dear reader...
These are emotions,
Not facts...
Everything I write...
I realize 
That my side
Is not all sides...
And I'm not always right...
[Sometimes,
However,
I'm accidentally right,
And people end up
Thinking I'm the 
Devil, himself...
I don't need secret cameras
to know where you've been...
Don't need spies or flying monkeys...
Just need to get to know you -
Human nature does the rest,
Derivative and over-played...
Truth is stranger than fiction...
Weird shit...]

Hand Feeding the Alpha Wolf

 

Love and hate come from the same place...
They both live inside you,
Like the story of the two wolves,
But they are not the only ones...
There's a whole wolfpack
On the hunt
In the wastelands of your mind...
And it doesn't matter which one you feed,
They all take their pound of flesh...
You don't get to choose what they do...
You only get to choose what you do...
You can't kill off one wolf
Without killing them all...
Your inner life is an entire ecosystem adapting to external forces
While adapting to its own continued creation...
The time stream keeps moving...
No moments are spare moments...
No time to just sleep on it...
No time for anything but dogged focus...
So, this Wolfpack,
It feeds itself...
Kills only what it needs to kill...
What's your part?
Keep their environment healthy...
You're the groundskeeper...
Or, rather,
You're Jane Goodall
And this wolfpack
Is a troop of chimpanzees...
Your part is to understand
All of them,
To the best of your abilities,
Learn to accept and appreciate their place in your life...
And your place in theirs...
They are guides, yes,
But they don't rule you...
Don't allow them to rule you...
That is a choice...
You
Control
You...
Not your trauma...
Not your mental state...
You
Control
You...
You're not a victim...
Your mind plays tricks on you sometimes, though...
Don't give up...
Take advantage of the sun during the day,
And feel your way through the night smells in the forest...
Keep moving...
Keep up the pace...
Build your endurance...
Run with those wolves...
Enlist their trust
And admiration
And loyalty...
What is your part in all of this?
You are the alpha of this wolfpack...
You make the choices...
You contain the focus,
and capacity for self-control...

Schrodinger's Dad

 Damn,
I just spewed out
Some genuine anger...
Dark, evil stuff
From the depths of my gut being...
To be honest,
It felt good...
It was a mixture of emotions,
But it felt maddeningly good...
I don't take any of it back,
Though I spoke harshly...
I have the right
To express my emotions...
To explore them...
Raw thoughts -
First thought,
Best thought
Kind of mentality...
It makes
For the most visceral
Streams of consciousness...
Close to the bone stuff
That you can 
Feel inside you...
That you can make
An emotional connection with...
An example of
How to be,
Or a cautionary tale
Of how not to be...
Either way,
I got you covered...
So much life experience
It might make you puke
From the vertigo...
Well,
While I'm here,
What do I miss
About the last marriage?
The feeling of family.
I miss having a family.
It's not even her, anymore...
It was feeling like a family
Even if we were fighting...
Having boys to raise
And feed...
To be a good role model for...
Maybe do something good
For someone...
I remember sitting in family court
For my last divorce...
Saw a lot of twenty-somethings
Legally changing their last names
To their step-dads name...
So many cases...
It put me near to tears,
Those men who 
Took on the task
Of raising another man's children
As their own...
And those children 
Feeling that devotion and love
So clearly
That they abandoned
Their birth name,
Also, 
Out of love...
Yeah,
I had hoped for that...
Silly me...
It's what I miss...
To be labelled
As "Dad" on a kids phone...
Simple things...
Now gone...

Whore

 I'm sure she still
Sees herself as the victim
As she lies on her back
And takes another cock...
Drunk texting me
How much she misses
My mouth on hers
Shortly after
Her mouth was on another...
She's so fucking predictable,
And she isn't even aware of it...
She thinks
She thinks faster,
Much faster,
Than other people...
The reality is
That she thinks too fast
For her own brain
To handle,
more of a handicap
than it is the gift
she believes it t be...
ADHD-esque with broad strokes of borderline as a bedrock...
And this makes her come off
As rather slow...
No foresight
And no hindsight,
Just reaction after reaction...
Emotional chaos in the flesh...
This also
Makes her act like 
A whore...
She has no self-respect,
So she lays her body out
Before old lovers
And strangers alike
To fuck me
Out of her head...
Healthy choices!
Great example for her boys...
Teaching them
By her actions
That women don't deserve respect...
That all a woman is
Is a wet hole to plug...
"Don't knock for a while,
Mommy's fucking."
(True story, bro...)
They should be
Used to that by now,
But it's going to leave a scar,
And need years of therapy
To grow past...
I guess "slut"
Is more appropriate,
Whores technically get paid
Cash money
For services rendered,
But, then again, I'm sure she gets
A little stipend of weed or clear
For her troubles...
It's the least they could do...
"Whore" just feels more impactful...
Bonobo chimps trade oranges for sex,
So she's just going back to her 
Primordial roots...
Totally natural
For animals...
Not to argue semantics,
However,
I'll stick to the term
"Whore"
Because it feels like
A warm, snug fit...
x

Into the Outer Darkness

 I can feel a chill
Over my heart...
A near-literal sensation
Of cold...
Emptiness...
It's an uncomfortable feeling,
So I'm going to 
Stick with it...
Sit here and write with it...
So I can assimilate it
And get past it...
I know it will take time...
But time is not unlimited...
Not for us living things...
Trying to gather
All that I  have learned
And hope that I have learned.
Cast out again
Into the outer darkness...
I have to be my own light...
It's sometimes a struggle
To keep it
From growing darker...
Temptation to pull it inwards
Instead of pushing it outwards...
Into the light...
I go a little crazy sometimes...
When I don't feel understood...
It feels like betrayal...
It feels cold
And empty...
For someone 
You gave your heart to
Tenderly
To become someone
Else...
Someone who doesn't understand you...
Someone who maybe
Never understood you...
Couldn't see you...
Couldn't hear you...
Couldn't feel you...
That feeling
Is chilling...
Like a deep freeze...
Probably bring it up
At therapy...
I search to feel
What I miss about her...
But there is only an ache
That feels like
Watching a loved one
Writhe in pain...
Sympathy pains (?)
Seeing the muscles and tendons
Working against each other
In a grand mal epileptic seizure...
And all you can do
Is keep them safe
And wait until it subsides...
But, this time,
I can't keep her safe...
I've got to let go...
Even knowing the agony
Of feeling
Echoes of her pain,
There is nothing I can do for her...
And that
Puts a chill
Over my heart...
"Don't give up on me,"
She would say...
As she cyclically 
Gave up on me...
I was supposed to understand...
It's just how she was made...
She's trying...
But, as I've discovered,
Even trying your best
Is often not good enough...
Don't smoke it away,
Don't drink it away,
Don't fuck it away,
Don't eat it away,
Don't sleep it away...
And don't run away...
Feel it...
Give yourself time and space
To feel it...
It's okay if other people get angry...
It's okay if you get angry...
Any emotion you could feel
Is appropriate...
Unless you don't face it...
And I may not completely understand...
But I understand.
I know enough.

Por Siempre Alguna Vez?

 She never really knew me...
Never really understood
Anything I said...
She had lust for me, often,
But it's hard to see that
As love
Right now...
She has lust for lots of people...
So that part
Was nothing special...
She did sometimes treat me
Like territory
She had conquered...
Like I was some
Hard won treasure
That everyone else 
Wanted...
Maybe she thought
That would make me feel
Special...
It didn't.
Most likely,
It was a symptom
Of her psychology...
She likes to say
That her parents made her
This way...
But, at 35, 
No matter what the diagnosis,
You've got to start
Taking responsibility
For your own actions...
Your parents didn't
Periodically ask
For a breakup or divorce...
You did, my dear...
Your parents
Didn't falsely accuse me of cheating
More times than I can count...
You did...
And your parents didn't regularly
Freak out on me
And tell me
That my best wasn't good enough...
You did that...
Regret begins to slip into
My mind...
Not regret that it's over,
But regret that it ever began...
There are things
I didn't need to know,
Didn't need to feel,
Didn't need to endure...
But I've always been
A glutton for punishment...
Batshit crazy is more passionate,
Right?
Narcissistic abuse
Is where the flavor is,
Right?
I feel sorry for the next
Man or woman
That falls for her...
Because if she,
In turn,
Falls for them...
It's over...
They'll be treated
Exactly like I was treated...
Stress and anxiety
Will come to rule
The bedroom...
And more...
They might even
Pick up some new addictions
Just to cope...
Spinning flaming hoops
Is a metaphorically
Perfect one...
C'est la vie...
Que sera sera...
Estara bien...
Por siempre...

Rearview Toxicity

 Why do you miss them
Even though they were toxic?
Why do you miss them
When they constantly
And consistently 
Pushed you away
While securing your chains?
You aren't actually missing them,
The individual,
The unique personality
Alone in the universe,
What you thought was a guiding star,
Sparkling, brilliant...
You're missing
the companionship...
The feeling that you are not alone
In the face of existential ennui...
You see,
It's not them you are really missing,
Is it?
You are missing touch,
not just their touch,
but simple touch.
You are missing 
the warmth of their body
In the night?
A body,
Any body that's living, produces heat,
and could provide that...
You are missing those moments
When they actually did
Make you feel loved....
Needed...
Like you had a 
Family of your own...
Illusions, after all...
You are missing
Those rare moments
You felt safe,
Protected,
Accepted...
So, clearly,
It is not them
You are missing...
You're missing
What they should have been...
What you know now
They likely
Never could have been...
The reality is,
They can't give you
What you need...
They never could...
Not without you
Losing yourself
In the eye of their storm (and not even then...)
"Be Yourself..."
Please,
don't lose yourself...
There are others
So much more deserving
Of your love
and attention...
Don't waste your passion 
On them any longer...
Don't hold onto the hurt...

A Good Dusting of Salt

 At a loss for words...

It periodically happens...

Too many or too few thoughts...

Like a kid

Poking roadkill 

With a stick...

I wonder about her life now...

Now that it's none of my business...

But I don't feel like asking...

I'm not ready for that level

Of reconciliation...

She still believes

False narratives

About me...

Scenarios that she created

In her mind...

She may be feeling pain,

But she has no idea

How hard this has been

For me...

No idea why

I can't see her face...

How hard it would be

To love someone so much,

And know that it's over,

And have to just

Stand there and suffer inside

Until the Final Decree...

It wouldn't change the outcome,

And would only inject

Fresh pain into the wound...

A good dusting of salt...

Nobody needs that...

Emotions can last for decades,

But I'm sure she's

Soothed her nerves,

Fulfilled some physical needs...

Head and heart and body

Can be compartmentalized

By the human mind...

It shouldn't be the goal,

But it's a survival mechanism...

And, just like the memes,

When her Facebook status

Went to "single,"

I'm sure her DMs filled up

With eager fuckboys...

(To be fair,

She was getting dick pics

When we were married...

She'd always inform me

Before telling me she blocked them...

Never mentioning names...

Feigning disgust...

But I always wondered

If she didn't actually

Love the extra attention...)

It's a lot different

For a 51 year old man...

I look good,

And  still get looks,

But Covid Nation

Keeps the distance...

Besides I'm so much more

Charming and seductive

In person,

All I can do online

Is awkwardly meme...

And I've got more important

Things to do...

(Especially when half the

Available dating population

Are hookers...

Sorry, I guess the word is

"Escorts"...)

Ain't nobody got dime for that...

So,

Yeah...

I have an internet connection

And plenty of lube,

So I'm cool...

Sorry,

I've always been 

The king of TMI,

Once you get me talking...

She, intentionally or unintentionally,

Tried to train that out of me...

The free flow of conversation

We originally enjoyed

Got slowly whittled away

By me recognizing triggers

And trying to avoid them...

Piece by piece

My ability to be

That open friend

She'd always known 

Went quiet...

I tried...

I tried to be what she wanted,

At least what she needed,

Short of that...

But the idea of

"Be Yourself"

That started the journey 

Turned into something else...

Neither of us

Felt like

We could be ourselves...

Both of us failed

To handle the other gently...

Everyone's been fucked over

At some point in their lives...

Just don't carry that damage

To the next person

You give your soul to...

Plagiarism of Emotion

 It felt like I had loved you
For a thousand years...

Though you asked for a divorce,

You will always have

A piece of my soul...

A mischievous laugh,

An extended glance

That questioned every action

I made...

Golden eyes

With bronze and copper highlights...

Years pass like eons...

Love turns black,

Brick by brick the walls are built,

Self-defensive and fueled

By false beliefs...

Will she forgive me?

She always does...

But she never does.

No.

Not today.

Even if her words say otherwise.

She always accuses me of cheating,

It always feels like projection.

She was all I wanted.

She's been smoking a lot.

Drowning her sorrows in scotch.

Wait... Why is she always on her phone

With the screen turned from me?

It's a pen pal? An old friend?

What does she have to hide?

Why has she searched for "Erik"

So often?

Oh... I get it now.

Snowfall in Austin

 Snowing in Austin...
Not altogether unheard of,
But not the usual...
Feels a little bit like
Home...
My original home...
Bristol, CT...
Mild winters due to the Gulf Stream
That used to flow past...
Large flakes...
A touch of ice...
Not hail or sleet...
The real deal...
Just like any attachment,
Any accumulation
Will not last...
Memories of sensations
And emotions
Come forward more readily,
In this moment,
Than memories of real world actions...
How does this moment feel?
If it's uncomfortable,
Don't avoid it...
Allow yourself to feel...
Give yourself permission...
Don't disconnect or disassociate...
Take care of business...
Don't know if there will be
Any accumulation of this precipitation...
The ground might be too warm...
Residual solar radiation...
Earth soaks it up
And radiates it back out
Like breathing...
Recalling memories
Of fairly recently passed moments...
The heat of her breath
No longer a contemporary reality...
Not having to wonder
Whether or not
The day will go well
Or quickly devolve into a Hellscape
Is nice...
Stability in the local environment
Is nice...
Having no expectations
And not worrying about
The expectations of others
Is nice...
There can be comfort
In spending time alone...
Self guided therapy...
Peace and contemplation...
Snowfall of any appreciable amount
Had a peacefulness to it,
As I recall those sensory memories...
A soft hush...
Peace is something to strive for...
Peace is stronger than love...
Wish I'd have realized that
Years ago...
Decades ago...
But here it is...
In the now...
Snow falling heavy outside...
More flashes of memory...
Smell and taste...
Wordless...
Quiet...
Peaceful...

Meat Circuits

 Event.
Response.
Equal and opposite
Force.
Authoring flowcharts.
Charting maps.
Planning for the immediate future.
Pondering the universe
Of possibilities.
Attachment is the root of all suffering.
Say it again for the Buddha:
Attachment is the root of all suffering.
That data has been amended 
Into the code.
Attachments are transient.
Loss is inevitable.
One way or the other.
Neither good, nor bad.
Just the facts.
Whatever facts are.
Perception is too subject to
Personal editing.
Do you see what I see?
Or do we all interpret 
The same thing
Differently?
Empirical data matters.
Why it happened,
The intention,
Matters,
Not just
How much it hurt.
Logic vs emotion.
Is logic AND emotion even possible?
It's the goal,
I am told.
Wisdom.
Using one to inform the other,
Rather than fight it.
Rather than trying to kill it.
Rather than going numb.
Rather than breaking down.
Every lesson
Has to be assimilated into the code.
Every experience
Stored on disk.
Somewhere in the jelly,
Meat circuits and fatty acids.

Where She Stops

 Just sitting here
Watching shadows cast
On the cave wall...
I know it's not reality...
It's Netflix, and Prime, and Hulu...
Reality is outside of these walls...
It's not always pretty...
Personally or publicly...
We just had an insurrection
At the Capitol...
Washington, D.C.
Well, attempted and failed,
But the charge is still
Insurrection...
There's some reality
In me, I suppose,
As I am a participant 
In said reality...
But a lot of thought
Went into
Setting up my living space...
My 
Living space...
Even got a carpet...
It really brings the room together...
There's a skeleton
On a blue couch
Holding a stack of clean towels...
Plastic skeleton
Left over from Halloweens past...
Plenty of skeletons in the closet, though...
I'm a bit of a collector...
Reading the finger bones
Like a shaman...
Scientific minded,
I ask
What will this action
Set into motion
Before I take said action...
Usually...
I can be pushed beyond
Reasonably angry...
But, usually,
I like to consider my actions...
I would rather plan ahead...
Draw mental schematics
And Venn diagrams...
Not everybody does this,
I have discovered...
That throws a wrench
Right into the gears...
Being at the mercy
Of someone else's emotional 
Twists and turns,
Highs and lows,
Love bombs and nuclear freakouts,
Made me feel
"Not me"...
Sure, we've all got problems,
And we're all
Trying
To make sense of it all
And get better...
Be better...
But
Some burdens
Are heavier than others...
Some wells
Go much deeper...
Communication
Isn't always easy
When anxiety
Cranks itself up through the roof...
Apparently,
Being in "relationships"
Gives me anxiety...
Revelations from therapy...
I'm thinking
It's about my expectations
Of myself
In relation to
What I think 
The other person
Is expecting...
It gets really tricky
When you have no idea
What to expect...
Round and round she goes...
Where she stops?
x

No News

 I've stopped obsessively
Following the news...
It was a decent distraction
From reality
For a while...
Personal reality...
The inner workings
Where demons and angels
Battle for primacy 
Over the soul...
Or whatever it is
You call the spinning gears
That are the automaton
That bears your name...
But, yeah,
This recent marital 404...
The blue screen of death...
It has radically restructured
My psychological priorities...
It has made me rebuild
Maslow's hierarchy
As it pertains
To my specific needs...
It's put the pyramid
In the center
Of my mind's eye...
And some things
Are not as important
As they once were...
Lowered expectations?
No, just different...
I'm open
To any possibility
Since it has
Empirically been proven
That expectations
Are often
Not manifested in reality...
Not when they involve
Another individual mind...
The philosopher's stone
Is changing your own perceptions,
Not turning literal
Lead into gold...
Not changing someone else
To fit your expectations...
Change yourself
To change your world...
As to the daily news?
The real world
Has always been a shit show...
We just have social media now
To spray lighter fluid on the flames
Over high speed internet...
No need to obsess
Over all that anymore...
Base survival isn't the worst choice 
(for now...)
Nesting for one...
No more illusions...
No more delusions...
The world will heal itself...
I will heal myself...
I hope she heals herself, too,
And can find happiness...
I hope they all do...
On their own...
In their own way...
Even if they have to
Tell themselves
That I was the villain,
And they were the damsels in distress...
But it doesn't have to matter
What the past believes...
It has no more power over the now...

Namaste

 

I'm not the man she fell in love with...
To be honest, I don't think I ever was...
That's usually how it goes...
All those endearing quirks that pull someone closer,
At first, become, over time, annoyances...
Proof that there's something wrong with me, psychologically...
(According to my critics, anyway...
And I've had a few...)
I've travelled a lot of highway by now...
Been around a lot of blocks...
There's a kind of spell I inadvertently cast over some people...
I'm remarkably easy to fall in love with,
But...
This idealized image that they see in me...
That's not me...
Then, inevitably, 
The spell wears off...
And before they get a chance to know the real me,
They become critical...
Suspicious...
Disassociated...
Hurt...
Angry...
This time almost the same as the other two...
A good reason for me to get to know me...
It would be nice for someone to love me as I am,
A man trying to be better...
Psychologically, emotionally, physically...
Not for what I might one day become...
I don't take well to being trained...
I don't do tricks...
I really, really hate jumping through flaming hoops to avoid a tantrum...
I don't deal well with others' expectations of me...
I get overwhelmed...
Attachments are draining...
I've torn up my roots and relocated many times...
Usually just a matter of survival...
A dash of adrenaline really sharpens the reflexes, though...
Allows for thoughts and plans to get to the point...
It's always a new world...
Revolving like a kaleidoscope, 
One scene in multiplicity merging into a myriad of others...
All that is left of everything is patterns...
Swirling, multicolored, shimmering fractals...
All of your moments of déjà vu and prophesies...
Perceived reality and actual reality...
Everything spinning...
Everything alive...
Everything connected...
So, what's my part?
Seems as good a time as any to have another mid-life crisis...
If only I didn't feel like I had a handle on things...
But I feel like I do...
A little turbulence on re-entry into Earth's atmosphere...
Nothing too terrible...
I still had a handle on the helm...
Didn't lose any thermal tiles...
Consolidated...
Relocated...
Ready to thrive...
And waiting...
Just waiting for the next step...
Plans are happening...
Life goes on...
Necessities are achieved...
But there is still a good deal of waiting, even in the midst of all this activity...
This struggle to survive...
The wanderer...
Wasteland adventurer...
May you live in interesting times...
May there be many puzzles that you successfully solve...
May you find peace amidst the chaos...
May you feel love without conditions,
Or mistrust,
Or pain...
May the lessons you learn serve you well...

Shedding

 Another exoskeleton
Shedding...
Top layer of dead cells
Burning away...
It's relatively painless...
The suffering happens
In day to day life...
Hanging on by the fingernails to ideals and expectations that you know are dead...
Dying...
It's a new world
With new rules...
A phoenix from the ashes metaphor
Seems appropriate here...
I wasn't shielded from the blast...
As much as you can psychologically prepare for the moment of impact with a concussive force,
You're never one hundred percent
Prepared,
Even if you've been there before...
Even if you've felt it all before...
Even the expected
Can surprise you
In how it manifests...
Damage is done in a wild spectrum of ways,
A sunburn so bad it breaks your bones...
Spending time peeling away the dead skin...
Shedding like a snake...
Trying to delicately peel away the largest contiguous sheet of epidermis...
So delicate...
But so satisfying...
Bronzed flesh beneath...
Fresh new skin...
Regardless,
Every seven years
All of the cells in our body
Are replaced by new ones...
So this is a natural occurrence...
Normal changes given the situation...
A natural consequence of temporal beingness...
Waking up...
Waking up inside of the dream...
Time to get a coffeemaker...

New Year's Day

 New Year's Day...
Didn't eat any black eyed peas for luck...
Didn't make any concrete resolutions...
Just rested...
Watched some movies...
Watched the countdown the night before...
Self-care...
Focused on what to do next...
Rent is paid...
Car insurance is paid...
Utilities are paid...
Wifi connected...
I have access to the outside world...
Bank holiday,
So most of the next steps will have to be made on Monday...
Vehicle inspection and registration...
Nuts and bolts...
Emotions are stable...
It's been years since I've felt anything close to that...
Decades, even...
Maybe never...
This just might be a new feeling...
The mini-apocalypse toddles along...
But the outside world has never had much impact on my inner world...
A lot of the recent moments have contained significant déjà-vu...
Like walking through a dreamscape...
Like walking in dream-state...
As if time runs in all directions,
Not just linear...
Not just forward...
Beyond logic...
Beyond emotion...
I don't believe in any religion's higher power,
But I can feel that everything is connected...
A thin veil between the here and the there that we can't normally see or feel...
I can feel it...
It feels like magic, even though it's just nature,
Physics, science...
Reality is mysticism...
Every moment has meaning...
Each moment a necessary piece of the unfinished, self-generating puzzle...