All I Ever Really Wanted

 All that I ever wanted
Was to love her,
And to be loved by her...
All I wanted
Was to be enough...
To be loved without condition...
But there were conditions...
She couldn't let herself
Love without conditions...
So much fear...
So much trauma
From past abuse...
I wanted to be her
Reason to choose life...
She told me that I was
When we married...
That didn't last...
She could never believe
How much I loved her...
She didn't understand how I love...
She wouldn't understand
That I love her still,
But I couldn't continue
To feel the pain
Of her struggle...
I tried so hard
To endure,
So that maybe
Someday
She could love herself enough
To accept my love for her...
I tried so hard
To ignore her words
When she broke down
And told me
That I wasn't enough...
That my best wasn't good enough...
But it broke me down
Every time...
She told me 
I reminded me of her dad...
A sore subject
As he was only a couple years
Older than I...
She told me
I didn't love her,
That I only loved
The idea of being in love...
So many times...
She thought I wanted other women,
When the only woman I wanted
Was her...
Parts of my heart
Still want her,
But I lost hope
That she would ever change...
That she would ever accept
That my love was real,
And that she deserved real love...
Today
I cried for the first time
Since she last
Asked for divorce...
Love song...
Finally got through my armor
On the day I go to the courthouse
To file the paperwork
She filled out...
That's later today...
She's going on with her life...
No longer talks to me
Because I called her a whore
Shortly after a new lover of hers
Had left her bed...
Just a night after she drunk texted me,
Flirty,
Like I would settle
For sex
Over love...
That enraged me,
Knowing that she was already
Physically moving on,
And still thought
I would want to touch her
After someone else
Had been inside of her...
After all we had been through...
After all the times
She accused me of cheating,
Or said she was better off single,
Or accused me of lying,
Deliberately triggering her,
Or gaslighting her...
I still can't kill the love,
But I also
Can't seem to kill
The anger and frustration
Of having tried,
With all of my might,
To convince her
That I was the one...
But I'm not the one...
I probably never was
The one...
She will have many more...
Some will fall for her,
And end up where I am...
Eventually...
Some will just be there
For the hookup,
And it won't give her
A reason to live...
I regret that her life
Will be like it was
Before we married...
I feel pain
Knowing
The pain she will endure
In the future...
And I feel pain
Knowing
That we are no longer
Friends...
I miss her,
And I know that will pass...
I miss her,
And I know seeing her
Would not take that feeling away...
I miss her,
But I missed her when I was with her,
Too often...