Maybe It's Toxoplasma Gondii

Wandering the wilderness of my own mind,
Forgetting the language of men...
Socially, at least...
Relationships past have been too complicating...
Every hoped to be perfect thing,
Perfect in its unique imperfection,
Has been ultimately draining, traumatizing, or tiresome...
Humans, as simplistic as their motivations are, are hard for me to read...
Who knows?
Maybe it's Toxoplasma Gondii...
Maybe I'm on the autism spectrum...
Maybe it's the anxiety and depression...
Maybe it's just bad luck...
Maybe I've just made bad choices...
Blame it on the rain with an obvious lip-synch...
Physical desire still rages despite the heart no longer anything but terrified of love...
No destination address on the package...
I could use being the new kid in town,
But every town is very much the same as any other...
Even when the language or inflection is almost new,
The way people interact boils down to the basics...
Bare bones in the stew pot makes for the same broth, time and time and time again...
Living in these human hives,
Fleshy insects with bones inside,
And the jelly goo on the outside...
You know, ants recognize themselves in the mirror,
Not even many vertebrates can do this,
Most see their reflection as a threat,
As someone else staring them down...
Something outside trying to get in
Rather than something inside trying to get out...
Bouncing foxes from the henhouse
While serpents swallow the eggs...
Sharp spine breaking the calciferous shell
As the medicine goes down...
The things we do for life...
The things we do to bear the pain...
Endure or escape...
Just get used to it...
Or do something about it...
Or try to forget...
Somehow immune to envenomation...
The flesh may tear, but the blood is too cold to boil...
Seething without heat...
Zero point energy harvested directly from the void,
Conceived within the singularity...
It's nothing, really...
Just constant motion infinitely looped...
Same shit, different day, all served up in infinite ways...
A grand parade digging paths through the wood with perpetual hoofbeats forever...
The panoply of biodiversity eventually gives way to amnesiac propensity 
Lest you become bored of knowing it all...
And you will...
And you do...
Close your eyes, and dream...
It all comes back round...
There is no escape...
Might as well enjoy the show...
Bite down on a piece of leather
As the whip opens the flesh covering your rib cage...
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Another Bad Day

 An emptiness settles in...
It works its way down into the chest...
It's not a physical sensation,
But it's a physical sensation...
Stepping out for a moment 
Into 106° heat
Doesn't help...
Isolating for so long that it's become a habit...
Not reaching out for help...
Not wanting anyone else to carry the weight...
My precious...
Not wanting to be seen like this,
Even though this is how I am now...
The world seems so far away
Even while I'm in it...
Far from home...
Thousands of miles,
And for so many years...
No tears,
Though they would be welcome,
But those cupboards are empty...
Waiting for a change in me...
Holding on by bloody fingertips... 
Waiting for a change in the world,
But this world is so much older than I...
Very little lifts me up, lately,
Even though the sensation feels like floating...
The thoughts are heavy...
Trying to say "this too shall pass,"
But that is the long view...
In this moment,
There is a soft paralysis...
A slow chill despite the heat...
A shadow living in the full light of day...
There are goals to leave this place, Texas...
More than a year off...
There will be an escape from this place,
Geographically speaking,
But my thoughts will be carried with me...
Will likely carry them home...
The people who could help buoy me up,
Family and old friends,
I will see them then, in person...
Right now, they are a world away...
Never should have left them behind...
There is guilt...
There is shame...
Try to face it and stare it down...
Have a hard time forgiving others, 
But I try...
Forgive myself for what I have done
That may have hurt others...
Growth has been endured since then...
Understand the past why's of it all...
It's harder to forgive myself for me hurting me...
Any person that I caused pain,
Was me hurting me...
Didn't know what I was doing,
But in learning,
I feel I have wasted so much time...
A half century plus,
And all I have to my name is life experience...
The emptiness actively circulating from head to chest and back again...
Motivation on ice...
Straining at the chains I've put on myself...
Feeding on the emptiness
As a child poking dead things with a stick...

Chicxulub

 Low
And sinking...
Holding my breath for days...
Humans bring me down...
Hypocrisy and fake smiles...
As the years pass,
I feel less and less motivated,
Less and less able,
To even try to relate...
The nightly news is a nightmare...
Politics is a nightmare...
Religion is a nightmare...
I less and less feel any connection to anyone else...
They judge and judge and judge...
Maybe they have their reasons...
I less and less care...
Empty rooms and empty heads...
Empty thoughts and empty beds...
Cockroaches with exoskeletons on the inside...
Body horror nightmares, gluttonous and autophagic...
Eating themselves alive with their nose in the air...
So proud of their self-destruction that they tithe to it,
Forcing others to bow before their self destruction...
Humans are a cancer, 
I know this thought is clichéd,
But sometimes clichés exist because they just happen to be true...
Maybe there's a turn-around somewhere off in the distant future that can save us from ourselves,
But I don't see it happening...
Probably go out like the dinosaurs if the playback were in slow motion...
Asteroid strike is fairly instantaneous,
Give it a little bit to block out the sun,
Whatever's left gets to mutate into the top of the food chain in a couple million years...
Meanwhile, spasms and hiccups as inbreeding stabilizes populations...
Beauty standards must needs to adjust...
Mutations eventually become evolutionary advantages,
And ultimate success leads to an ultimate dead end...
Do the the ends justify the means?
The sad answer is
That none of it really matters...
What happens, happens...
Morality is a societal masturbation...
Good and evil are just games we play...
The curtains will always eventually close...
Heavy and black like the empty spaces between galaxies racing farther and farther from the center from which they were flung...
The debris cloud from that initial impact flung high into space, 
And the atmosphere on fire,
That's just another day in the life...
Recorded human history is just another mile wide asteroid crushing a planet's ability to maintain equilibrium...
Life is equal to destruction...
Death is just the status quo...
Something that is pre and post life...
The medium that allows us to grow back into it once we found ourselves ejected from it...
Confused and disoriented, trying to find a reason for it,
Inventing gods to explain it,
Before sinking back into it in tidal cosine and sine...
Praise whatever you believe in for giving you life
If that's what gets you through the night...
Who am I to criticize someone else's vain attempt to order a disordered universe?
It's a messy place...
You won't be here for long...
Throngs of adversarial ideas trying to prove they are "the one"...
Me, I'm just a molecule dreaming it was a man...
Just another tiny speck biding time
Before it gets recycled into something else...
Conservation of mass...
Grinding teeth with all the other primates...
Yeah, your energy might not ever die,
But that energy was never solely yours in the first place...
All of time is borrowed time,
And the tax man always takes his due...
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