Sunday Meditation

 Sunday meditation
Of chores and self-care...
Gourmet mushroom raviolis 
With alfredo sauce...
Washing and drying 
The work clothes...
Folding the laundry...
Consolidating the trash...
Coffee, cigarettes, and weed...
Writing about mundane human things...
Thinking about the "every day"...
Everything is constantly changing...
Even the day in day out has little moments of hope...
Small sparks of joy...
Some hints of depth...
Chores are self care...
Activities of daily living are a form of introspection,
Meditation...
Simple, repetitive tasks
Give the mind space to breathe...
Sometimes boring
Is fine...
Sometimes menial is cleansing
In a more than literal fashion...
Grounding...
Connecting to the earthly part of the mind/body...
The springs and gears
That move
In perfectly timed rhythm...
Such a perfection of the mundane
That the motions take
No thought at all
To perform...
Quite unlike
The thoughtless way people sometimes treat each other in this world...
Too wrapped up in their our own inner turmoil
To give anyone outside more than a second thought...
We rarely feel
The pain that others feel...
But we have the ability to...
We rarely consider
The struggles of "the other"...
It's not easy to do...
And it often has no effect on outcomes
Unless both parties
Can step into
Each other's experience
Just a little...
Short of true understanding,
It's laundry, garbage, sweeping, mopping...
Baby steps...
Slowly tidying up
The corridors of the mind...

Hourglass Running Out

 February 9, 2021,
When her Petition for Divorce arrived in Georgetown, TX...
The official filing date...
Friday or Saturday,
19 or so days later,
Her copy of the Waiver of Services form should have arrived...
Signed under notary...
I have no more obligation to show up in court...
Every necessary form has my legal signature...
By the beginning of April, everything should be officially over...
Another item in a large suitcase of bitter sweet memories...
No need to speak...
No need to meet face-to-face...
No need to continue some futile friendship to prove we are better people...
No need to observe each other moving on...
No more need to care...
I still need to get to know me, though...
Deleted all of those popular dating apps...
Not my thing...
I need to meet people
Face to face...
Sight, touch, taste, smell, sound...
I have to be in their presence in order to know them...
Trying to "get to know" a stranger via text is not my forte...
Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste...
In-person human interaction is where I shine...
Even now, I can feel the desire in some people's eyes...
Enough to know that a choice to remain unattached for a while will not last forever...
I am,
After all,
Despite my flaws,
A charming devil...
Intelligent, attractive, and, most importantly, 
Worthy of love...
Light streaming out of the cracks in my soul...
Warmth not a distant memory...
I feel love streaming in via satellite and cell towers...
I feel love from thousands of miles in all directions...
I am not alone...
None of us should go through these things alone...
Angels hold me up when I can't support myself...
Friends and family...
People who share treasured memories of intimate moments...
Sexual and nonsexual...
Romantic and platonic...
From birth to death...
I am still alive...
And I still want to be alive...
Every twist and turn is worthy of introspection...
Every moment is unique and memorable...
Appreciated...
The good and the bad...
It is valued,
These journeys to wisdom...

In a Relationship with Netflix and Therapy

 A day off...
In a relationship with Netflix...
Fresh coffee...
Some pretty good weed...
Nothing planned except maybe laundry...
Bills, under control...
Doing my best to fully relax...
Generalized Anxiety Disorder has given me a life of always feeling on guard...
Whether or not I'm going through real world "situations"...
Haven't needed valerian root since mid-December of 2020...
But that feeling of
Hypervigilance and unease
Has been going on for about 50+ years...
It's kind of hard wired into the system by now...
I have done some DIY repairs here and there...
But who knows what's really under the hood...
I am damaged...
Aren't we all?
You can't get through this life without losing a few pieces of your soul...
Hopefully, 
You regenerate more than you lose...
Hopefully,
You gain wisdom from the trials you put yourself through...
We put ourselves in Heaven or Hell...
We are the final judges of our worth...
We choose our rewards,
And we choose our punishments...
Not always a conscious process,
But always a matter of conscience...
Even while admitting to and confronting our issues,
We can be deaf and blind to our own realizations...
A delicate dance...
Have you ever
Danced with the devil
By the pale moon light?
Have you ever
Wrestled with an angel?
Angels and devils live within us...
That little voice in your head...
Sometimes no more than a feeling...
From the gut...
From just over your right shoulder,
A voice...
Whispering in your mind...
Illuminating your third eye...
A kind of knowing that guides you,
But never really explains what to do next
In so many words...
A bit frustrating having to navigate
The inner workings of a human mind,
Especially when that mind is your own...
But
The show must go on...

Her Repertoire of Love Interests

 For the longest time
I was on her repertoire
Of love interests...
It's been said
That even if she
Never actually cheated,
She knows who's
Taking her to bed next
Once you're gone...
I remember when we first became
An official couple,
She told me,
"I hope it doesn't bother you
That I've slept
With most of the friends 
On my friend list."
She sent porn clips,
And received them
From these "close friends"...
Odd that she demanded
I delete anyone
On my list
That had been
Intimate with me
In the past...
And if one ever sent me porn,
She would have ended things sooner...
I almost lost a lot of friends
Because of her jealousy...
When we were simply friends
With benefits
I was just one of many
That she shared intimacy with...
We called that time Paris...
We'll always have Paris...
That was bullshit from the start...
I was just a notch
On her bedpost...
Just another simp
Who couldn't stay away...
Even after we were married,
Although she said
She never cheated,
Psychologically,
She did...
Now I can't even be sure
She didn't physically cheat...
Water under the bridge...
She blamed that on me, of course...
She got her emotional needs met,
By hook or by crook,
Even if she often
Demeaned and degraded mine...
She said I was too sensitive...
That I always read her wrong...
That I didn't appreciate
All she did for me...
That I was a liar
And a cheater...
And she would rage,
Push me away,
Or kick me out,
And then cry...
I began to resent her tears...
They felt like manipulation
On my skin...
I tried,
But I withdrew
More and more
Every time
She assaulted my character...
Pushed me to rage 
Or silence...
Push, push, push...
And yet it was I, 
In her opinion,
That pushed her buttons
Rather than vice versa...
I am not responsible
For her behavior,
Or for her opinion of me...
I accept her emotional reactions,
She feels what she feels,
But I feel no need to apologize...
No more "I'm sorry",
Just
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
And she likely already knew 
Who and how many
Would fill my shoes,
So to speak,
Once I'd had enough
Of her rage and self-pity...
Was probably already
Talking them up
Saying I was 
Not enough for her...
No one will be enough for her...
She's great fun
When she doesn't openly love you...
That kind of sex
Is her specialty...
A decent lay, I suppose...
She has all of the requisite holes...
All of the necessary spaces...
But if she "loves" you,
You will never be enough
To fill the empty spaces
Where a soul
Is expected to be...

Sunset in Austin

 Sitting by the bedside...
Watching her chest 
Rise and fall
With unsteady breaths...
Her feet move
Every now and again...
Dreaming
As she approaches
Her last breath...
I think she's 
Dreaming of dancing...
Spinning like a millstone...
An octogenarian Texas girl,
A native Austinite,
A firecracker who lived
An amazing life...
Who always loved to dance...
Now
She loves to watch others dance...
As she dances in her mind...
Still loves George Jones
After all these years...
Country to the core...
Keeping Austin weird...
Preaching the importance
Of love...
Of family...
And of friends,
Old and new...
Love is the answer...
Love
Is the fulfillment
Of the law...
We will meet again
Someday
In the vast hereafter...
I've gathered another angel
To watch over me...
May your journey be smooth...
May you meet your sailor
In fresh starched jeans 
Beyond those pearly gates,
And dance from here
To forever...

Fireplace Projection

I've got a fire place
Projected onto the wall...
Ambience...
Relaxation...
Tongues of flame
Rising up the walls
In an ever repeating loop...
The subtle cracks and pops...
The sound of the breath of the flames themselves...
Effectively relaxing...
The projector's bulb is enough to add heat to the room,
Completing the illusion...
Most things are illusions...
There are precious few
Experiences in this world
That are actually real...
Expectation versus perception...
Logic versus emotion...
Our own point of view
Can make fictions
Out of objective reality...
Humans do this all the time...
If I'm hungry,
Everyone must be hungry...
If I'm upset,
Everyone must be upset...
If I'm upset with myself,
Everyone must be upset with me...
This is the mindset
That infants and toddlers have...
They are still learning
The concept of "other"...
Still learning
The concept of "self"...
Of separation from the source...
The fear of abandonment
That makes us cling 
Tighter and tighter
Until 
Circulation is cut off...
Oxygen does not travel
To cells that are
Starving for it...
Gangrene sets in...
Parts of us die...
Parts of what we have clung to
Die...
We summon our fears...
Calling out to them
In the wild
Like we're calling out
To a lost pet...
The family dog...
We hang flyers
"Reward if found"
On every telephone pole
In town...
Self-fulfilling prophecy...
We gorge ourselves on our fear...
As if it were comfort food,
And we weren't even really hungry,
But we just can't seem to stop...
Just filling a void 
With whatever was left in the cupboards...
Some of us,
Sadly,
Do this to ourselves...
I have had
Expectations 
That could not come to pass, 
As well...
Things that did not become reflected
By reality...
Expectations rarely do...
Some say,
"Love is the answer."
And
It just may be...
Love and forgiveness,
Which is not to say reconciliation -
Feelings don't need
To be in the presence of their object
To exist...
Or to stubbornly persist...
It's supposed to hurt...
It's supposed to hurt like Hell...
The pain reminds you that the experience is supposed to mean something...
It's supposed to be significant...
A lesson...
Negative reinforcement...
A virtual shock-collar 
For the limbic system...
Flames
Rising up 
The walls...
Time slowing down...
Minutes 
Taking hours...
The tape loop keeps playing
Until you decide
To make it stop.

Texas Heart Gone Cold (February 17, 2021)

 For the past week, Texas has been as cold as her heart...
Barren, desolate cold that sinks into your bones like the cold a Nor'easter provides...
For too long Her mind reminded me of home...
There were subtle similarities...
Alternating comfort and chaos...
Families are like that, aren't they?
People putting up with each others crazy while still loving them despite it...
I've also learned, long ago, that you can love someone like life itself,
And also hate them to an equal degree...
We exist between the extremes of our experience...
The in between times where we contemplate rather than react...
Often times, when we are reacting to the extremes of positive or negative,
We are simply being what we were programmed to be,
But we are not being who we really are...
Not who we were meant to be...
Tape loops and trauma bonding...
CPTSD and co-dependent ideation...
Hypervigilance, our own thoughts shocking us awake like gunshots in the middle of the night...
Waking us in cold sweat agony...
This too shall pass, but not before small pieces of your soul are torn away...
They grow back, given time, but they leave their signature in the flesh of your mind...
Psychological keloid scars...
What was once smooth and supple becomes textured like a 3D topographical map...
Like the human brain, however, the more folds there are,
The more processing power you have...
These little traumas increase and enrich you rather than diminish you
Even though it feels like starving at the time...
Even though it feels like Texas during the week after Valentines, 2021...
I'm here, but I'm not from here...
I was born and raised in harsh conditions like these...
I'm well neigh indestructible, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pain...
Doesn't mean I don't feel the hemostatic scalpel cutting into my flesh
While cauterizing the wound it creates...
I've been eviscerated, many times actually, in real life, on the operating table,
But only lost a teaspoonful of blood, according to the medical staff...
I guess, one way or another, most of us have been through some shit...
Gotten tangled in the skein...
Acts of God that don't feel like the love promised to us...
They don't make us feel loved by the Universe, quite often...
I guess that doesn't mean the love doesn't exist; I'm alive, after all...
I guess I've also learned that often times love is pain...
It can bring comfort, true, and genuine warmth...
It can fill up the depths of your soul,
But it can also suck the warmth out of your core leaving you feeling desolate and empty...
It gives and it takes, like Job's experience of God...
The sun shines on the blesséd and on the wicked...
The rain falls on both, as well...
There is no reward or punishment, even if it feels that way...
It is what it is, and I am that am...
While I hold some credence for the idea of karma,
I often think there is no meaning to anything at all 
But for what we personally ascribe to random events swirling in the void from whence we came...

Lukewarm

 I write these
For myself...
I know
She doesn't have the heart
To read
These chronicles of my journey
Without her...
She sees my emotional reactions
As attacks on her character
Similar to the way
I saw her emotional reactions
As attacks on mine...
I can be reactive...
Moody and defensive
When it feels like
I am being accused...
Or abused...
Or attacked...
She calls me a liar,
A cheater,
A narcissist...
After realizing that
Honest truth
Could not sway her from
Her beliefs,
I could only 
Do what I could do
To stop her from raging,
Sometimes,
In my desperation
To bring us to peace
I would try to tell her
What she
Seemed to want to hear...
But I realize and realized
That I had no idea
What she really wanted to hear...
It felt like
She simply wanted to justify
Her own beliefs,
Fears, and mechanizations...
All the evidence of her
Trauma based life paradigm...
Like I was simply a tool
To finally prove to her
That love is unattainable...
Unsustainable...
Her apparent feelings for me
Were just a reflection
Of her insecurities...
Just the embodiment,
A symbol,
Of her past trauma...
She never really knew me...
I don't really think
She could get out of her maze
Long enough
To believe in me,
As a person,
As a mind
Separate from her own...
There is a storm bearing down
Today...
February 14th...
Potential snow in Austin, TX...
I don't know
How this day will be for her,
Psychologically or emotionally...
I don't know 
Who or if
She has found someone 
To spend it with...
I wish I could say
I have made enough progress
To say that I don't care...
To say
That it no longer hurts...
I'm not the devil
She tried to make me believe
That I was...
And she's not evil either...
But we were both broken
When she proposed to me...
Both maybe expecting
We could heal each other,
And respectively each
Offer the other hope...
We both fell prey
To illusion...
Neither of us
Need someone
To save us...
We have the strength
To save ourselves...
But having the strength
Doesn't mean a person
Realizes that strength...
Having the strength
Doesn't mean
One will choose
To use it
For the right reasons...
It doesn't ensure success...
It's frigidly cold outside...
My heart is now
Lukewarm...

Valentine's During Unseasonal Cold

 Waking up on Valentine's Day, 2021...
First time it's been spent single
In about 20 years...
Almost nine
In the morning...
27 degrees...
A geyser in the parking lot
From freeze cracked pipes...
There's a good chance
She's already found someone new
To spend it with...
She was never good
At facing her emotion
Alone...
Her heart
Too much for her to bear
Alone...
It's actually too much for her to bear in a relationship, as well...
This is true, 
Of the heart she believes herself to have...
We all have our illusions...
We all bleed from our wounds...
Often
Our wounds are self inflicted
Because we gaged our importance
By the presence of a significant other in our lives...
Because the hurt was meted out
By someone that we fooled ourselves
Into believing we needed like oxygen
When in fact
They were more like carbon monoxide
Starving our cells of the oxygen they really need...
Sometimes
You've got to break
From the lie
And embrace the pain
Of necessary separation...
Yeah,
This is not going to be the best of my days...
It will be peaceful,
But it will be enwrapped in melancholia...
Dusted with a longing
Whose death I am patiently waiting to finally happen...
Like waiting for that call from the hospital
That a loved one has died...
No visitation to the ICU due to quarantine restrictions...
This is something you have to handle
Mostly alone...
Physically alone...
Whether triumphantly
Or pitiably 
Alone...
Maybe someone sent her flowers
To place on a shelf
Like a funerary display...
Like a single black rose
Gently lain
Atop a funeral mound...

The Blasted Tower

 Can't explain it,
Though I've felt this before...
Like the way
A sea slug swims...
Twisting and writhing...
Or like octopus tentacles
In a mass sliding over
Each other,
But going nowhere...
Inside,
In the heart, 
And the head,
And the gut...
It's sometimes paralyzing...
Being pulled
In all directions at once...
What my mind
Does to me...
What I do to me...
A toy
Winding down...
Grinding gears...
Spitting fire...
Or sparks, at least...
The anger and hurt
Giving way
To profound sadness...
Like an act of god,
Helpless in the face of it...
Like two jets
Hitting two buildings
In New York City
Early on a Tuesday morning...
Once one building went down,
Me walking into the news
That morning,
I knew that the other tower
Was going to fall
Minutes before 
It actually happened...
I had actually dreamt it
7 nights before...
One tower goes down,
Then the other one falls...
Number sixteen in the Tarot,
The Blasted Tower...
Destruction, disaster,
Sudden unexpected change...
But 
This change wasn't unexpected...
I saw it coming...
I eventually began
To expect it...
Not enough to plan for it
Financially,
But enough
To emotionally prepare...
Lucifer
Was cast out of heaven,
And fell to the Earth...
Vulcan, the lame god,
Similar fate...
Even gods and demi-gods
Can be wounded...
Even the astral body
Can sustain damage
If the hurt
Is deep enough...
Growth eventually occurs, 
Healing,
But the memory of
The wound
Remains...

Powerless

 Hit by a sudden
Wave swell
Of feelings...
"Feelings of an
Almost human nature...
This will not do..."
But I guess it's necessary...
As much as I feel
Like I'm not from
Planet Earth...
As much as I feel
Disconnected
From the people around me...
I have to grudgingly accept
That I am human...
That fact
Doesn't always
Make me happy...
Being human
Doesn't always
Serve my needs...
I'm thankful
For what I have,
And have achieved, 
But 
Needs and wants...
I want...
I want so much
That right now
I don't have...
My self-esteem
Still feels battered
By the past few months...
I want to stop wanting...
I want to give up
Sometimes...
Not suicidal...
No death wish...
Just unplug a few wires...
Avoid this feeling
Of emptiness...
It hurts,
Beyond physical pain,
This wanting...
But, I know,
I'm supposed to sit with it...
Feel it...
Even if the hurt is exquisite...
Even when it feels
Like my mind
Is turning 
Inside out...
My emotions
Twisting
Outside in...
Spinning like top,
Seeming like slow motion
In simultaneity...
Too much and not enough...
Constant contradictions...
Contracting
In constant paradox...
Just a moment...
It will pass...
But these moments
Always feel
Like they last forever...
I know they don't,
Intellectually...
But emotionally,
Forever is forever...
That last line
Made my breath
Catch in my throat...
Forever is forever...
In sickness and in health...
Through good times and bad...
Till death do you part...
The pain is real...
The healing is happening,
But there are going to be moments like this
When you realize
Forever doesn't exist...
Happily ever after isn't a valid goal...
White knights 
And damsels in distress
Are artifacts
Of psychological dysfunction...
Socially programmed fiction we are seduced into believing in order to keep us from finding our power...

Intimate Conversation

 Thoughts like ping pong balls
In a lottery cage today...
Whirling...
Spinning...
Too chaotic to be a dance...
Highs and lows
Changing from moment
To moment...
Jumping...
Bouncing...
Careening 
Almost
Out of control...
Adjusting the contrast,
Intensity and hue...
Trying to pick up
A signal...
Maybe I'm just 
Overstimulated...
Had great conversation
With an old friend...
Had great conversation
With a new friend...
Real communication...
I don't allow that
Often enough...
I tend to think,
Emotionally and psychologically,
That I can do it alone...
But that's me
Starving myself...
Lone soldier mentality...
But I can't do it alone...
None of us can...
Therapy alone
Won't do...
Psyche meds alone
Won't do...
We're all intensely aware,
Now more than ever,
Of the importance
Of contact...
We settle for touching
Each other's minds
Via social media
And cell towers...
It's saving some of us
From darker 
Psychological outcomes...
Reaching out
Over the distance
While in the comfort
Of our own homes...
Still having some freedom
Even while confined...
Being able to express emotions,
Both privately
And publicly,
On the Internet...
It's a place
Where I can bare my soul
With what some believe 
Are poetic words...
It's not quite as adrenalizing 
As jumping around
On a coffee house stage
Reading poetry 
Out of well worn journals, 
But it is a kind of freedom...
A place where
I don't have to feel
Ashamed or afraid
To emote...
I don't care or mind
Who's watching...
It is for me...
It is for my friends...
It's entertainment...
Performative art...
And it's therapy
With positive feedback...
Plotting...
Planning
How to get back
To myself...
That me that existed
"Before the world
Got its hands on me..."
The me that existed
Before I existed...
Pure like conception
In thought...
That moment
When the genetic material
That made me
First came together...
I don't believe
It was a blank slate,
And that was me...
The first exposure to the world
Was nourishment and hormones...
Then birth,
Always traumatic,
That first breath
After dreaming for nine months...
Things only compound
From there...
We are carried
Lightyears away
From where we began...
It's a round trip ticket...
It can be...
If I only knew then
What I know now...
If I only knew now,
What I knew then...

Cross-Threading

 Starvation mode for physical intimacy is where I am now...
The body wants it,
Tries to tell me I need it...
But I'm just not motivated to go through
All the bullshit it takes to get there...
Chatting online?
That's bullshit.
I can't bring myself to do it...
Not convincingly...
I just look at a picture of someone
And i see red flags...
Misspellings and poor grammar
Are enough to make me go soft...
I've said it before,
I don't want another wife,
And I don't want a paid escort...
I don't want a flake
Or a basket case...
No NPD or co-dependency
I want a real human being,
Not a walking textbook DSM diagnosis...
This is not to say it's easy to go without...
I'm a very sexual being...
But two hands and some toys are going to have to do
For those needs...
Too far away...
Too far gone...
Too this, too that...
I think I should take a good friend's advice
And take a good year off from even attempting
A relationship...
Maybe not even worry about physical intimacy for a while...
There are more important things...
I can window shop, but leave the cards at home...
Yeah, got to give up on certain thoughts...
Not forever,
But I'm too fucked up
From this last relationship, 
Still,
To be of any use to anybody...
Still have some road to travel...
Some baggage to unload...
Still got to get my head straight...
Screwed on right without any cross-threading...

Filing Her Petition

 Just dropped off the Petition for Divorce that she had filled out...
$281 money order made out to the
Williamson County District Clerk...
Two stamps,
Just to be sure...
[Ripley : I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.] 
(Passing thought...
Couldn't help it...)
The hazards of 
Stream of consciousness...
Sometimes you have to laugh through the pain...
My emotions are slowly returning...
I've made certain
Adjustments...
Driving to music has 
Finally gotten my eyes moist...
Even a tear or two...
It's been a long time...
Missing what was supposed to be...
Real evidence of emotion...
Mourning...
Dropping it in the mailbox made it real...
I showed up at the courthouse,
But
Covid restrictions...
By mail or online divorce only...
So,
Mailbox was the closure I got...
Mailbox made it real...
Dark blue...
Deep blue...
A giant chess piece
Standing alone in the parking lot...
It's a message from the Queen...
The king is dead...
Long live the king...
[According to Wikipedia:
""The king is dead, long live the king!", or simply "long live the king!" is a traditional proclamation made following the accession of a new monarch in various countries. The seemingly contradictory phrase simultaneously announces the death of the previous monarch and assures the public of continuity by saluting the new monarch.^"]
It's an appropriate phrase...
I got to know her all too well...
Too well to love her any more than tentatively...
There was fear embedded in the love by the end...
I'm not judging whatever she does now
With her heart,
Or her body,
Or her life...
I'm just saying I know her...
Maybe a little too well...
We all do what we have to do to deal with our pain...
And I know exactly what she does to avoid her emotions...
And it hurts to know that...
It still stings
To know how easily I can be replaced
By chemicals and flesh...
Karma, I guess,
From our distant shared past...
[Pre-two year official relationship era...]
(A novel length story that won't fit here...)
I accept that...
The karma...
We're square...
Me?
I'm here, this time, just dealing with the emotions...
Learning to understand them...
Writing them down...
Recording their vitals...
Giving them space...
Documenting progress...
Suffering a little to eventually benefit...
No pain, no gain...
And, fuck! 
This one really, really hurt...
Like holy water on demons...
Nothing like an exorcism to start the day...
The involvement of another human being would only be a distraction...
There are things I have to do...
For me...
For my stability...
My ties to her are gradually softening...
Dissolving...
Fading...
Releasing...
I'm giving it proper time
And proper respect...
Breathe...

All I Ever Really Wanted

 All that I ever wanted
Was to love her,
And to be loved by her...
All I wanted
Was to be enough...
To be loved without condition...
But there were conditions...
She couldn't let herself
Love without conditions...
So much fear...
So much trauma
From past abuse...
I wanted to be her
Reason to choose life...
She told me that I was
When we married...
That didn't last...
She could never believe
How much I loved her...
She didn't understand how I love...
She wouldn't understand
That I love her still,
But I couldn't continue
To feel the pain
Of her struggle...
I tried so hard
To endure,
So that maybe
Someday
She could love herself enough
To accept my love for her...
I tried so hard
To ignore her words
When she broke down
And told me
That I wasn't enough...
That my best wasn't good enough...
But it broke me down
Every time...
She told me 
I reminded me of her dad...
A sore subject
As he was only a couple years
Older than I...
She told me
I didn't love her,
That I only loved
The idea of being in love...
So many times...
She thought I wanted other women,
When the only woman I wanted
Was her...
Parts of my heart
Still want her,
But I lost hope
That she would ever change...
That she would ever accept
That my love was real,
And that she deserved real love...
Today
I cried for the first time
Since she last
Asked for divorce...
Love song...
Finally got through my armor
On the day I go to the courthouse
To file the paperwork
She filled out...
That's later today...
She's going on with her life...
No longer talks to me
Because I called her a whore
Shortly after a new lover of hers
Had left her bed...
Just a night after she drunk texted me,
Flirty,
Like I would settle
For sex
Over love...
That enraged me,
Knowing that she was already
Physically moving on,
And still thought
I would want to touch her
After someone else
Had been inside of her...
After all we had been through...
After all the times
She accused me of cheating,
Or said she was better off single,
Or accused me of lying,
Deliberately triggering her,
Or gaslighting her...
I still can't kill the love,
But I also
Can't seem to kill
The anger and frustration
Of having tried,
With all of my might,
To convince her
That I was the one...
But I'm not the one...
I probably never was
The one...
She will have many more...
Some will fall for her,
And end up where I am...
Eventually...
Some will just be there
For the hookup,
And it won't give her
A reason to live...
I regret that her life
Will be like it was
Before we married...
I feel pain
Knowing
The pain she will endure
In the future...
And I feel pain
Knowing
That we are no longer
Friends...
I miss her,
And I know that will pass...
I miss her,
And I know seeing her
Would not take that feeling away...
I miss her,
But I missed her when I was with her,
Too often...

Bonding (Written for an Old Friend)

 My heart fares better
Over time 
With people who truly
Respect me...
Closer to fine...
Truly love me unconditionally...
(I've never married these people, fyi...)
Way back in high school
We were both satellites
Of stronger personalities...
That's how we met...
Both outsiders
When it came to
Social situations...
Maybe still outsiders
To our respective selves...
There was an understanding...
Immediate...
And, of course, as a teen,
Filled with hormones,
I crushed pretty hard...
(She was pretty hot...)
Friendship grew...
Matured...
Lots of driving around backroads
Talking...
Figuring out
Who we really were...
Trusting our respective intentions...
Respecting boundaries...
Listening to music...
The Cure, O.M.D., 
Alternative 80's,
Indigo Girls...
We met fucking Joan Jett!!!
So many amazing memories...
Random parties
Where we were still outsiders...
Entertaining ourselves
While the world revolved around us...
Holding hands
While peeing in the snow...
Holding hands in Portsmouth, NH,
For the Izod alligator tattoo...
Road trips to the coast...
We served in the military together,
In the 90's...
A 180 degree turn on the highway
Between New Hampshire
And Maine...
I-95...
The military was not so inclusive then...
We saw that storm together...
For a platonic friendship,
We were sometimes
Closer than family,
Closer than lovers...
I definitely love her...
She's been rooting me on from afar
For decades...
The kind of friendship
You don't let go...
Nourishment for the soul
Knowing that she
Cares about me...
Radiates love to me
After all of these years...
I have precious few friendships like this
In my life...
I value every single one...
I am thankful for her presence
In my life...
"Maybe give me insight between black and white..
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all...
"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore..."
- Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

Torn

 Torn between two thoughts...
*
1.) Lost a client today...
Sweet old man...
Spoke at least 5 languages,
But all at once...
Fed animals that weren't there...
The world he saw
Was mostly the world in his head...
But he knew me...
Appreciated me...
Even said my name
When I wasn't there...
"You are a good one..."
*
2.) I shouldn't judge
Anything she does
To emotionally survive...
She's no longer my home;
No longer my concern...
I'm learning how to deal
With the emotions
In my own way...
My way is a bit isolationist,
But 
I won't be good for anybody
Until I learn how to be good
To myself...
Still some letting go to do...
*
My habit has been to cling
To certain ideals
And fantasies...
People and thought forms...
My habit has been
To attempt to solve
Impossible puzzles...
Having hope
Can be a crippling disability
If applied incorrectly...
*
Keep expectations moderate...
Life will not give you much
If any
Warning
Of the curves in the road...
There is no posted speed limit...
Maybe someone stole the sign
And it's in their bedroom somewhere...
*
My client
Is free
In a sense
Of speed limits...
He couldn't move that much...
Wheelchair bound...
Hand fed pureed food...
He's with his animals now...
Some days they were dogs...
Some days chickens...
Cats or koi...
*
He is free...
Faster than light...
If there is anything after
He is exploring now...
Or taking his first breath
As a newborn...
Somewhere...
The big metaphor for change...
Inevitable, inescapable...
Death...
Metamorphosis...
*
She had cared for this client, too...
Before me...
She had gotten me the job...
He had heard us fighting
On the phone...
He is a symbol
Of the letting go process...
*
Everything dies, eventually,
Even beautiful things...
Even ugly things...
Passion's fires
Settle into glowing embers...
Pulsing like breath...
Deep, slow breathing...
Fading with each exhale...
Leaving nothing
But charcoal and ash
In the end...
White like my beard...
*
Sleep well, my friend...

Letting Go

 Getting closer and closer
To actually letting go...
It's hard...
But it will happen...
I know...
It's like meditation...
I could never really
Get the chatter of thoughts
Out of my head,
Early on in my life...
Maybe once or twice,
By accident,
With classical music on NPR,
As a child,
My mind was in the perfect
Meditative state...
Nothingness...
I was aware of my "self"
And my body,
But I wasn't there...
"I" 
Wasn't there...
Awareness with no ego...
No thoughts...
An observer...
Nothing but the music...
But only once or twice...
As an adult,
Successful meditation
Is letting the chatter
Run together
And flow past...
The babbling of a brook...
Fading into the background
Like white noise...
Letting go
Takes letting go of ego...
Letting go of the "I"
In order to find the "I"...
Tearing down the facade
And building anew...
Like a hermit crab
Needing a new shell...
Constantly outgrowing
"Homes"...
Shedding families
Like lizard skin...
My own skin
Thicker and thicker...
Always was a bit sensitive...
Learning how to not be that way
By treating myself
With more sensitivity...
Learning how to step back
And breathe
Sometimes...
"I know when to go out.
Know when to stay in.
Get things done."
Modern Love...
David Bowie...
Used to know all the lyrics
To nearly all of the songs...
But it's been a while
Since I have sung...
Haven't had the heart, just yet...
Still working
On the foundation...
Building on that...
Just a few more days
And the papers
Actually get filed
At the local courthouse
In what used to be
My town...
Filing
Makes it more real...
Sets that tone
Of finality,
The point of no return...
Even if that point had already
Actually been reached...
Emotions are shady creatures...
They shouldn't be held
For the same reason
Wild animals
Shouldn't be held...
They could hurt you,
Defensively...
Or you
Could easily damage them...
Don't feed the bears...
Only shoot with a camera...
Let nature do its thing...
Give them
Proper respect and space...
Grace...
Give them ample room
To realize and express themselves...
Letting go
Is close at hand...
Moving on
Is all in the nuts and bolts
Right now...
More about time, now,
Than anything else...
Time and money...
Not even worried
About chasing the American Dream...
Just making it to the next week...
And the next...
And the next...
And so on...
Like meditation...

Fight Another Day

 Looks like I'll live to fight another day, 
The VA disability check came in just at the precise moment
When there were fumes in the tank
And all the plastic was in a similar state...
Still readjusting 
To this life on my own...
Just a few more expenses
And this little wax boat
Will make it through
Turbulent waters...
One never knows
Just exactly
What's around each corner...
Are we enjoying the show?
Our life
As it plays out...
Is it interesting,
At least?
It may be fraught with danger
And heartbreak...
But could it be novelized? 
Would anybody want to read it?
The highs and the lows,
A Chronicle of one human's experience...
How many lives would you touch?
How many lives do you touch?
Is it more than you might think?
Probably more than you would believe...
Everything is connected...
Everything is accessible...
As above, so below...
The fractal nature
Of the Holographic Universe...
Everything is one...
Everyone is one...
And we prove this
Through communication 
Of our differences...
These are actually the places
We are the most alike...
The things that initially
Draw or repulse us
From each other...
They are the common ground...
Sharing our experience 
Is the nature of existence...
One story can touch a million minds...
One idea
Can change the tides...
Light the match...