Taking the Wheel

 No more smoke drives
By the campgrounds...
Over two concrete bridges...
Barely paved county road...
*
No more
Stopping by the tiny
Free library box
To look for 
New books...
*
No more
Chocolate almond milk
In the morning...
*
No more of those little rituals
That lovers do...
*
It's okay to mourn a bit...
To give that emotion
Some space...
*
It's a part of the process...
*
The final outcome is the same
In every simulation I run...
*
I used to tell her
That I was stronger
Than those people
Who were hers 
Before me...
But,
In reality,
I wasn't strong enough...
*
I couldn't weather the storms...
I couldn't hold on...
I wasn't strong enough
To weather the force of her childhood projections
and object impermanence...
*
I'm not getting
Down on myself about that...
But it's a fact...
No shame in it...
(Not that I've ever been accused
Of having shame...)
* 
I am strong enough
To start over, though...
Strong enough
To start being honest with myself
And healing...
Strong enough
To survive in these
Troubled times...
*
No more kisses goodbye 
Before going to work...
*
There are positive memories...
I don't regret our time together...
It's confusing as Hell sometimes
Despite my new found clarity,
Focus and intent...
*
Eyes wide open, now,
Flowing into the new life...
I'm taking the wheel...
x

Doing the Work, Pt.2 (December 30, 2020)

 In therapy,
I get gently reprimanded 
When I describe my own
Emotional reactions
As childlike...
We are all,
Emotionally,
Between 5 and 10...
Generally speaking...
But we have years of experience
Doing that...
That gives us our age...
The thinking mind
Is aware of the passage of time
And amassed real-world experience...
Emotions can't feel this...
They have memory,
But all triggering events
Refer back to childhood...
I am told
That although
Those emotions feel childlike,
I am a full grown adult man...
My own descriptions of my
Emotional reactions
Devalued them...
They tried to time travel
Out of the 
Intensity
Of the moment...
I am here, now...
I have to be present...
No more
Disassociation...
This life isn't a movie
That I am watching...
Though much of it had felt that way...
A survival technique...
Effective, but not exactly healthy...
My emotional reactions
Are valid, tangibly real...
And I have to leave space for them...
Remain present
Even when the first instinct
Is to withdraw
And shut down...
I have tried to exert
Too much control,
Rather than being out of control...
Externally, it may look the same
To onlookers and outside observers...
I'm not the actor...
I should strive
To be the director...
The maestro...
The captain of my ship...
Being the method actor
Who couldn't get out of character
Is something I used to 
Struggle with
When I regularly
Performed on coffee house stages...
And I've performed every day since...
Worker, husband, father, son, brother, friend...
I am tired of acting...
I want to be seen
As an individual
Who extends
Far beyond the roles that I play...
I've inspired others
To be themselves...
Inspired art and poetry...
I've inspired fearlessness...
But I never saw myself
As brave...
Never appreciated it...
I have tamed dragons...
Befriended them...
I used to blindly hunt them...
Steel blades flashing...
Snicker-snack
Went the head of the Jabberwock
I have been through the looking glass...
Assimilated the minotaur
At the center of the maze
With self-care and mindfulness
I used to be terrified
Of going it alone...
But I have support...
I have a kind of community
In diaspora...
The internet shrinking the world
With instant communication...
I have been training for this moment
For a lifetime...
I'm removing the chains...
Cutting the cord...
I can feel myself again...
After decades of being
Mostly numb or anxious,
I feel like myself...
I feel aware of myself...
I am present...

For now...

Rumors

 Lots of rumors going around...
And rumors of rumors...
Question marks in lots of folks' minds...
What's real,
What's not?
What's fact,
What's fiction?
Likely 50/50...
It's a coin toss 
In a universe of quantum probabilities,
Anything is possible...
It may not be the reality
You've come to expect,
But real is real.
Not everything gets talked about
For fear of rocking the boat...
People settle into all too comfortable paradigms
That limit growth...
Hamper
The free flow of communication...
I want to be real...
I don't like secrets...
I don't like subterfuge...
I'm actually quite normal...
Normal for me...
I live outside the box...
Slowly, over the years,
Shedding the need
To be something that fits the expectations
Of others...
Slowly
Becoming more and more
Me...
And I'm proud of the journey,
As painful as it has sometimes been...
I've caused news that was the voyeuristic
Talk of the town...
Wondering about things is a good exercise...
It tones the brain...
Being faced with mysteries is good for the soul...
Solving problems is a cure for anxiety...
What if I can't do this?
Just do the thing...
And do another thing
If that doesn't work...
Life goes on...
The juggernaut will not be stopped...
Just keep getting up...
Never stop getting back up...
It's not always easy to be yourself,
But always choose to be yourself...
Shed a tear if you have to,
Here or there,
But never, ever stop...
Understanding will eventually come,
Until then,
Enjoy the show...

A Thousand Tiny Cracks

 Just words...
I am going through some stuff,
But I'm not
Losing my head...
Don't worry,
I'm not gonna do
What everybody
Thinks I'm gonna do
And
Freak out...
Yes,
She broke me...
But you have to
Break sometimes
Before you can be fixed...
The shattering
Didn't happen all at once...
It wasn't even unexpected...
A thousand tiny cracks
Had already been there
Before her...
A thousand tiny cracks
She brought to me...
When she said the word
"Divorce",
Unlike all the other times
She ended the relationship
Where I feared losing her
So much I couldn't think straight,
This time
There was a sigh of relief...
I couldn't lash out...
There was no anger...
There was no hurt...
It was just another orbit
Of the cycle...
I was numb to it...
And I knew it had to stop...
Therapy and pharmaceuticals 
Eased my anxiety,
Cleared my head,
And allowed me to
Give space for my emotions...
All I could really feel
Was relief...
Release...
Freedom...
The negative aspect?
As calm as my reaction was,
I broke.
Like a fever breaking...
Slowly crumbling
Like a soap bubble
Frozen 
And then lightly struck...
No explosions...
The bubble
Is also a cage...
I could feel the constrictor
Uncoil itself from my ribcage,
And I could breathe...
A shadow 
Slithering away under the bed...
But is it me that could breathe?
Or was it that other me...
The one she liked so much
On those rare days, early on,
When we drank...
The uninhibited me...
The Mr. Hyde
To my Dr. Jekyll...
He's actually saved me 
In the past...
Just a comforting, strong voice
In my head...

A tiny dose of Dissociative Identity Disorder...
He's filling in the cracks
Of what I once was,

Kintsugi technique...
Saving my wellbeing once again...
But I'm still me...
This is a fusion,
Not a possession...
I'm me,
But I'm no longer
Ruled by fear...
No longer measuring my worth
By if I have a significant other
To love me...
Approve of me...
Comfort me in the night...
I am enough...
("I'm good enough,
Smart enough,
And, gosh darnit, 
People like me.")
It almost sounds that silly,
But
I am enough.
I did my best.
I can sleep at night.
I'm at peace with my reactions.
I'm allowed to explore my emotions...
To breathe, and think, and process...
And express...
"Only God can judge me now,
That which does not kill me can only make me stronger
(That's for real)
And I don't see why everybody feel as though
They gotta tell me how to live my life
(You know?)
Let me live baby, let me live..."
Tupac...
Started off
With the Digital Underground...
Get your packets here...
Yeah,
Not everything ends with a bang...
The smoke still lingers...
Slender translucent white fingers
Hovering in the air...

Incinerating the Past

 Incinerating the past
In a wastebasket sized
Bronze urn...
Two Final Divorce Decrees...
Dozens of  love letters...
All from the past...
Three failed marriages...
I can't live there anymore...
I don't live there anymore...
I release their energy
Back into the universe...
Any love I was feeling
Other than what I gave
Was an illusion...
None of them really knew me...
They just knew
Whatever illusion they had created
In their own minds...
From the positive, idealized me
That they initially created
To the imperfect human,
The flawed man
That they grew to treat
Like the enemy...
I am a flawed man,
But I didn't deserve
To be treated
The way I had been treated...
Abandoned in varying ways,
Sexually, emotionally, spiritually...
None of them
Gave their trust easily...
All three had 
Vaguely similar life experiences...
Products of
Neglect and abuse...
I was a useful tool
For all three of them...
I filled a role
That they perceived 
That they needed...
At that moment in time...
I got things done...
Supported them...
Maybe not always
Perfectly
In the fashion they wanted,
But I worked hard
To support them...
Helped to feed
What were once my families...
It was never enough...
I became the thing
That represented
All of their problems,
Their insecurity,
Their self-hate...
Even their own families
And family histories
That created them,
Somehow
I had to bear the brunt
Of their anger
And their own guilt
Projected onto me...
They all spin horror stories
About me...
All have spoken lies
About who I am,
What I did,
And who's to blame...
"I'm brain-damaged"
"I'm the cause of the miscarriages"
"I cheated"
I'm done defending myself,
Because I did make mistakes...
Just not the mistakes
They tell everyone I made...
One problem I own,
the biggest mistake:
I blundered full force into
Love (?)
Unthinking every time...
Not heeding
Any warning signs...
Just an internet meme:
Therapist: "Did you notice all the red flags?"
Me: "I thought it was a circus."
Yeah, that was me.
Every blaze
Eventually
Dies down to embers...
Ash goes from black
To white...
Orange glow
Running along the edges
Of blackened paper
Like tiny luminous insects...
The light breeze giving just enough air
To keep digesting the organic material...
White smoke over green, orange,
And blue flames...
x

Wildman Archetype (December 30, 2020)

So
What's everyone's plans
For New Year's?
The dropping of the ball
In times square?
Send an invite to the guy
Who's on his third divorce...
He makes bad decisions,
So it could be fun...
He swings both ways,
But is also cool as a platonic friend...
With a
Gas station boner pill,
He's the God of Fuck...
He's a poet and one time novelist...
An artist, 
A musician...
He can blow your doors off
With karaoke
And soul...
Intelligent conversation
With blue tinged humor...
Awkwardly smooth...
The realest motherfucker 
In the house
(Just don't let him near your mother)...
He's seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attacked ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. 
He watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. 
All those moments will be lost in time, 
Like tears in rain.
Sorry,
That lapsed
Into the end of
Blade Runner...
Amazing soliloquy...
He's a super soldier/sex slave
Monarch experiment...
He's got that mutant X-factor...
And that
Cold steel sense of humor
Like Deadpool...
A genius like Tony Stark...
But hidden away in a box
For years and years
Of unholy matrimony...
Stolen from the flesh pool
Because of a soft heart
Pumping ice water
Through his veins...
He ages like a vampire...
And has the same power to charm
When motivated to use it...
He can play the long game
If he catches the right
Scent on the wind...
He's slow to anger,
But doesn't really put up with shit...
He knows who he is,
And he can analyze 
Who you are
In one conversation...
Don't let him inside your head,
Unless you are
Just as fearless
As he...
Jump without a parachute
And land on your feet...
It defies
The accepted laws of nature,
But nature
Is far more cunning
Than you think...
Even if you revere it,
From a distance,
A little intimidated,
But strangely intrigued...
x

Fortress of Solitude

 I feel a little more calm
Smoking in the car
Right now...
Thinking...
Breathing...
Allowing myself to succumb
To stream of consciousness
Thinking...
One thing leads to the next
And to the next
And so on...
Letting the stream flow...
I've always felt
Particularly content
In any vehicle I've owned...
That first iconic symbol
of freedom...
Even better than the first time,
As a kid,
You're allowed to ride your bike
Farther than your driveway,
Your block,
The township...
Long night drives
On winding backroads...
Radio on...
Usually...
Not lately...
Still waiting 
For the music to come back...
I can hear its faint heart beat
Slowly getting stronger...
In high school,
The music was Pink Floyd...
Everything from the Syd Barrett days
To about The Wall,
When Roger Waters
Split with the group...
Artistic differences
And power struggles,
Ego clashes...
Just like a real divorce...
Sometimes emotions can be too brittle,
And eventually shatter...
Well, I shattered...
No tears, thanks to modern medicine...
Came close though...
This time...
Free falling through space...
Zero gravity...
The Earth getting
Smaller and smaller...
It's okay, though...
I've been in this position
Countless times by now...
I always
Find my way back to Earth...
Got to start making better choices...
Or, more precisely, 
Different decisions...
I've patched things up
With duct tape and glue guns before...
Kept the craft airtight
In the cold vacuum of outer-space...
Waiting for my orbit to
Eventually decay...
My fortress of solitude...
My motor-vehicle...
Sometimes my home
At certain times in my past...
So I sit here,
Outside the new apartment
With the engine idling...
Thinking...
Letting things go...
Embracing the new...
Turning another page...
Listening to the 
Engine hum....
Sitting in my Jeep...
x

Frankincense and Myrrh

 Burning frankincense and myrrh incense...
Seems appropriate...
'Tis the season
And all that...
Just settling in
After setting up a room...
The new home...
Turns out
There was actually 
Room at the inn...
Silence,
But for the cooling fan
Of a projector...
Two layers of futon on the floor...
Enough pillows and fleece blankets
To make a 
Comfortable nest...
The wall is the tv
Or the pc monitor...
Just like the hallucinations
I had
When I was 
Waking from a coma
In an ICU...
Thought that a computer monitor
Was being projected on the wall
In front of my bed...
I thought the O2 monitor
On my index finger
Was the mouse...
Every night
I could have sworn
I was surfing the net...
Checking Facebook...
Shit-posting memes...
But,
In reality,
None of that was happening...
Even argued with a few nurses
About it...
They were probably warned
That I would be nearly delirious
Now...
I have that wall computer
If I want it...
There was a good amount of time
That I thought...
Maybe I never woke up from that coma...
This is all just the mind
Dreaming a reality...
And I'm still on that table,
Plugged full of tubes,
On a ventilator...
Like the end of
Repo Men, 2010 movie...
Google it...
And the dream keeps going...
Moving and morphing...
Twisting and dancing...
An episodic odyssey...
Moments like pearls
Strung together
Into a choker...
Wrapped around
Like a serpent...
The quest for knowledge
Of good and evil...
How can we understand something
If we've never touched it?
Never experienced it?
Right now,
I am experiencing Christmas
In my own way...
Its chill...
It has its rewards...
It's a kind of meditation...
I feel strangely 
Content...
I feel like
Every little thing
Is going to be alright. ..

So This Is Christmas

 So this is Christmas...
Just a few days in a new apartment in the "big city"...
Far from family...
Just lost what was supposed to be my immediate family...
Even got informed by a twelve year old on Facebook,
"We're not your kids"...
I used to be his stepfather...
Yeah, that one stung a bit...
Another divorce...
My choices in love have been
Uninformed,
To say the least...
But that's okay...
Life chugs along...
Not depressed...
Not anxious...
A little empty,
But I have a support system spread out across the country...
Everything is still in boxes...
No brightly colored bows...
Lots of unpacking to do...
Her spies have been checking my profile...
Occasionally making shitty comments...
Terribly obvious stuff...
Have to work today...
Short shift...
4 hours...
The pilgrimage goes on...
The walk-about...
Something almost holy about it...
My armor is girded...
My resolution is steel, shining and well oiled...
The work to be done is getting done...
Methodical...
Calculated...
One step at a time...
No longer my homeland, I have to build one anew...
And that's okay...
It's become almost a habit...
A ritual...

Vermilion

 I've never been good
At recognizing red flags...
Maybe it's a condition...
We'll call it
A kind of
Psychological color blindness...
I've tended towards
Choosing partners
Who needed "saving"...
Classic White Knight Syndrome...
Didn't even realize I was doing it...
Except in hindsight...
When the inevitable 
Once again
Ended in disaster...
Like clockwork in its pseudo-biorhythm...
You can't save someone else,
Emotionally or psychologically...
You can't make them change...
But you can save yourself,
Your own psychological and emotional
Wellbeing...
I never really thought about
Being stable
In those areas...
Was getting used to letting
My emotions,
And my attempts to
Use logic to control them,
Guide my actions.
Just surfing the madness...
Much like I allowed myself
So many times
To be carried by the wind
To who knows where...
It's dragged me a across the country...
So many new tales to tell
Over three decades
Since the last novel...
Adventure is usually exciting...
But it's also distracting...
I've got to focus
On my own wellbeing...
Save myself...
Take control of my life...
Streamlined and aerodynamic,
So I can control
Where it is that I glide to next...
And with what tools...
Mindfulness...
Focused Intent...
Resolution...
And a more finely tuned 
Recognition
And appreciation 
For vermilion hues...
x

I Don't Think I Mind

 Spent my first night in the new apartment last night.
I don't think I mind going to bed alone.
I don't think I'll mind chewing food when I eat without pissing someone off.
I won't at all mind not having to "check in" periodically to anyone.
I won't miss the sound of kids screeching, or often asking for things they don't need
(Who "needs" a new skin for their avatar
Nearly every single day 
When the household is food insecure as it is).
I won't miss being accused of committing acts of infidelity while I'm at work.
I won't miss being accused of having "secret" conversations when I step out to smoke.
I won't miss buying things she definitely doesn't need with money we didn't really have.
I don't think I'll mind taking extra long showers without being questioned about my activities.
I won't miss being periodically ignored by a person who accuses me of being distant.
I won't miss saying I love you to someone who won't fully accept that love.
I won't miss being hounded to have sex only to be told all I think about is sex.
I definitely won't miss being told how little I do after sacrificing much of who I am to provide for her and her family.
There will be some things I miss.

Little, tender moments...
But life is full of those moments,
Given time...
There are plenty of fish in the sea,
And there will be more remora
To clean my teeth and scales...
The city is open wide...
And I will be open to discovering,
And enjoying, 
Its treasures...

Love Poem

 Love is not always the answer...
At least, not romantic love...
Just because you love someone 
Is not always a good reason
To stay...
Just because you love
Each other
Is not always a good enough reason
To stay together...
We are relentlessly hard on ourselves,
But we also take that darkness out
On the people
We swear to love
Forever...
Our self-doubt turns a wonderful,
Delicate thing
Into something 
Unrecognizable
And damaged...
Words of love no longer
Accepted with anything more
Than doubt and suspicion...
Lovemaking becoming mechanical
When one partner is silently analyzing
Every move the other makes...
Every place their eyes
Rest too long...
Resentment grew
In both of our hearts,
If it can be said
That either of us had hearts...
Kept my defenses up
After awhile
Since the turn of any random moment
Could spring a trip wire...
Love is not always the answer...
It's not always the cure...
Love doesn't always save the day...
Count your blessings
If it has for you...
That is a precious thing...
But life is also full
Of precious tragedies...
x

We'll Always Have Paris

 "We'll always have Paris"...
Bogart line from Casablanca...
About a memory that will always be there 
Despite star-crossed lovers having to say goodbye...
It means
We will always remember Paris...
Even if Paris were to no longer exist...
It doesn't mean
We will always be together...
It doesn't mean
We won't move on...
It doesn't mean
Happily ever after...
It doesn't mean
Till death do us part...
A scene in a movie...
A moment in time...
Ephemeral...
Fleeting...
Isolated on the timeline...
Tragic...
Bittersweet...
But also, irreconcilably,
Over...
The future to be haunted
By lingering memories...
x

King of the Road

Laying on a bed
In a tiny hotel room
Occasional roaches
Skittering 
Across the walls
$25 a night
Can't go wrong
It's comfortable
Warm
Peaceful
I appreciate peace
It's a rare thing
Regardless of what emotions
Will come next
*  *  *
Bracing for some changes
After another failure...
x