Lukewarm

 I write these
For myself...
I know
She doesn't have the heart
To read
These chronicles of my journey
Without her...
She sees my emotional reactions
As attacks on her character
Similar to the way
I saw her emotional reactions
As attacks on mine...
I can be reactive...
Moody and defensive
When it feels like
I am being accused...
Or abused...
Or attacked...
She calls me a liar,
A cheater,
A narcissist...
After realizing that
Honest truth
Could not sway her from
Her beliefs,
I could only 
Do what I could do
To stop her from raging,
Sometimes,
In my desperation
To bring us to peace
I would try to tell her
What she
Seemed to want to hear...
But I realize and realized
That I had no idea
What she really wanted to hear...
It felt like
She simply wanted to justify
Her own beliefs,
Fears, and mechanizations...
All the evidence of her
Trauma based life paradigm...
Like I was simply a tool
To finally prove to her
That love is unattainable...
Unsustainable...
Her apparent feelings for me
Were just a reflection
Of her insecurities...
Just the embodiment,
A symbol,
Of her past trauma...
She never really knew me...
I don't really think
She could get out of her maze
Long enough
To believe in me,
As a person,
As a mind
Separate from her own...
There is a storm bearing down
Today...
February 14th...
Potential snow in Austin, TX...
I don't know
How this day will be for her,
Psychologically or emotionally...
I don't know 
Who or if
She has found someone 
To spend it with...
I wish I could say
I have made enough progress
To say that I don't care...
To say
That it no longer hurts...
I'm not the devil
She tried to make me believe
That I was...
And she's not evil either...
But we were both broken
When she proposed to me...
Both maybe expecting
We could heal each other,
And respectively each
Offer the other hope...
We both fell prey
To illusion...
Neither of us
Need someone
To save us...
We have the strength
To save ourselves...
But having the strength
Doesn't mean a person
Realizes that strength...
Having the strength
Doesn't mean
One will choose
To use it
For the right reasons...
It doesn't ensure success...
It's frigidly cold outside...
My heart is now
Lukewarm...