Powerless

 Hit by a sudden
Wave swell
Of feelings...
"Feelings of an
Almost human nature...
This will not do..."
But I guess it's necessary...
As much as I feel
Like I'm not from
Planet Earth...
As much as I feel
Disconnected
From the people around me...
I have to grudgingly accept
That I am human...
That fact
Doesn't always
Make me happy...
Being human
Doesn't always
Serve my needs...
I'm thankful
For what I have,
And have achieved, 
But 
Needs and wants...
I want...
I want so much
That right now
I don't have...
My self-esteem
Still feels battered
By the past few months...
I want to stop wanting...
I want to give up
Sometimes...
Not suicidal...
No death wish...
Just unplug a few wires...
Avoid this feeling
Of emptiness...
It hurts,
Beyond physical pain,
This wanting...
But, I know,
I'm supposed to sit with it...
Feel it...
Even if the hurt is exquisite...
Even when it feels
Like my mind
Is turning 
Inside out...
My emotions
Twisting
Outside in...
Spinning like top,
Seeming like slow motion
In simultaneity...
Too much and not enough...
Constant contradictions...
Contracting
In constant paradox...
Just a moment...
It will pass...
But these moments
Always feel
Like they last forever...
I know they don't,
Intellectually...
But emotionally,
Forever is forever...
That last line
Made my breath
Catch in my throat...
Forever is forever...
In sickness and in health...
Through good times and bad...
Till death do you part...
The pain is real...
The healing is happening,
But there are going to be moments like this
When you realize
Forever doesn't exist...
Happily ever after isn't a valid goal...
White knights 
And damsels in distress
Are artifacts
Of psychological dysfunction...
Socially programmed fiction we are seduced into believing in order to keep us from finding our power...