Her Repertoire of Love Interests

 For the longest time
I was on her repertoire
Of love interests...
It's been said
That even if she
Never actually cheated,
She knows who's
Taking her to bed next
Once you're gone...
I remember when we first became
An official couple,
She told me,
"I hope it doesn't bother you
That I've slept
With most of the friends 
On my friend list."
She sent porn clips,
And received them
From these "close friends"...
Odd that she demanded
I delete anyone
On my list
That had been
Intimate with me
In the past...
And if one ever sent me porn,
She would have ended things sooner...
I almost lost a lot of friends
Because of her jealousy...
When we were simply friends
With benefits
I was just one of many
That she shared intimacy with...
We called that time Paris...
We'll always have Paris...
That was bullshit from the start...
I was just a notch
On her bedpost...
Just another simp
Who couldn't stay away...
Even after we were married,
Although she said
She never cheated,
Psychologically,
She did...
Now I can't even be sure
She didn't physically cheat...
Water under the bridge...
She blamed that on me, of course...
She got her emotional needs met,
By hook or by crook,
Even if she often
Demeaned and degraded mine...
She said I was too sensitive...
That I always read her wrong...
That I didn't appreciate
All she did for me...
That I was a liar
And a cheater...
And she would rage,
Push me away,
Or kick me out,
And then cry...
I began to resent her tears...
They felt like manipulation
On my skin...
I tried,
But I withdrew
More and more
Every time
She assaulted my character...
Pushed me to rage 
Or silence...
Push, push, push...
And yet it was I, 
In her opinion,
That pushed her buttons
Rather than vice versa...
I am not responsible
For her behavior,
Or for her opinion of me...
I accept her emotional reactions,
She feels what she feels,
But I feel no need to apologize...
No more "I'm sorry",
Just
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
And she likely already knew 
Who and how many
Would fill my shoes,
So to speak,
Once I'd had enough
Of her rage and self-pity...
Was probably already
Talking them up
Saying I was 
Not enough for her...
No one will be enough for her...
She's great fun
When she doesn't openly love you...
That kind of sex
Is her specialty...
A decent lay, I suppose...
She has all of the requisite holes...
All of the necessary spaces...
But if she "loves" you,
You will never be enough
To fill the empty spaces
Where a soul
Is expected to be...