But I Keep Waiting (recovered from March 22, 2016)

Her face flushed a little as she described some other man's smile...
There was a barely perceptible trill at the end of the sentence, slightly catching her breath...
The kind of thing you can see when a school girl has a crush...
The kind of thing I used to hear in her voice when she spoke to or about me,
but haven't heard in many years...
Her body language changed for just a moment...
Seemed almost happy for an instant...
If I saw this or heard this in a stranger's voice as they spoke about something they enjoyed,
it would have made me smile,
maybe,
but I'm too close to this moment to smile,
haven't really smiled a genuine smile in a long time...
Too close to this moment,  this person,
but more than a million miles away...
This whole event
was small...
Insignificant and meaningless...
But insignificant and meaningless things can tear me apart...
My emotions are stronger than most,
despite outward appearances of indifference or calm...
despite years of being accused by various lovers 
that I lack a certain emotional depth...
I hold back the river
which might be destructive if set free...
I've tried to shut them down, 
and it appears to others that I have been successful...
But I haven't been...
And even these little things
tear me down...
It took me years to be able to be comfortable saying the words "I love you" to anybody...
And in this tiny, insignificant moment,
I saw a momentary spark of happy emotion in her,
even if only for a split second...
She doesn't want this man romantically,
she was just describing a thing that made her happy,
but she doesn't want me either...
Not that way...
Not any more...
That brief sparkle in her,
it wasn't for me...
x

Love Song Immunity

 Love songs don't reach me anymore...
Whether in a relationship or between them,
Love songs,
For better or for worse,
Could sometimes
Strike a chord of emotion
And pull forth a tear or so...
Tales of romance,
Or tales of heartbreak
Used to be able
To move me...
Now, 
Not so much...
Reminders of wasted time
And fruitless pursuits...
Temptation to ruminate
Over things that
Can't be changed...
Struggling to release
The hurt...
Pathologically unable
To forgive and forget,
Apparently...
Struggling internally
Against spider silk 
That is
Pulling everything
In every direction... 
Attached to everything...
Woven intricately 
Into every situation, 
Every thought,
Every sensation,
Every emotion...
Spiderlings ballooning
Over the infinite pattern
Adding more thread
To the skein...
In certain light,
Silvery grey skin,
Almost an exoskeleton...
Coated in decades
Of wasteland wandering...
My biggest enemy
Has always been me...
My identity
Has been fragile
And unfocused...
Survival has been the main focus...
I'm alive, and under a roof,
And bombs aren't raining down on me,
And that's going to
Have to do...
Like a man alone in the wilderness
Learning how to cope
With a system
That is both overtly and covertly,
Metaphorically and literally,
Predatory...
All souls emerge from the void
At the same point...
Time is an illusion,
Just a part of the grammatical structure
Of our perceived universe...
This world is just the chatter
Of minds learning
How to intercommunicate...
Consciousness
Trying to find itself,
And always finding,
In the end,
Nothing...
All paths lead back to the void...

Existential Dread

 I feel everything too much...
And I feel nothing at all...
I don't desire to die,
But I can't remember, exactly, how to live...
I don't want to care
About my credit score...
I don't want to worry
About the fact
That everything eventually succumbs
To entropy
And falls apart...
Vehicles, devices, relationships, 
Emotional attachments...
Nothing lasts forever,
And so I have learned
That I can't count on anything...
You have to be happy
With what the current brings,
what washes up on shore,
Or you have to be happy
where the current carries you...
I've grown tired
Of trying to be 
What other people want
Or expect...
I was never great at it,
But I could be entertaining
Jumping through hoops,
Or being the jester for the Queen...
I don't have it in me
Anymore
To put in that much work...
Especially
If, in the end,
We were just
Wasting each other's time...
I have wasted so much time
Building sand castles
And sand mandalas 
Hoping that they would be
More durable than they
Turned out to be...
Vows scattered
By the breeze
Like dandelion seeds...
Children
Torn to pieces
Or expelled...
As a child,
I was terrified of death...
The thought of it...
Or, I thought I was...
Maybe I was just scrambling to name the general feeling of terror
That anxiety disorder brings...
Maybe I was searching
Extant reality
For something real...
For something that seemed to make sense
In causing such terror...
I don't think that death was it...
I think the terror exists
In and of itself,
For no discernible reason
Other than brain chemicals...
I try to tell myself
That as long as I am still living,
Still trying,
That I haven't failed...
But I still often feel
Like I have...
I struggle against myself...
Barely comfortable in my own skin.. 
Every day is a struggle
To feel complete...
A struggle to survive and provide...
A struggle to find meaning...
A struggle to feel
"Happy"...
And, as they say, the struggle is real,
Even when it feels like a bad trip...
x