Not What She Thinks

 Haven't buried my passion for her
In someone else...
Not yet...
Not really even trying...
Even just finding someone
To fuck
NSA
Would cause trouble...
There are always strings...
This feast of emotion
Is mine alone...
Haven't buried my emotions
In drugs or alcohol...
None of those things numb me
Anyways...
They kind of make
The emotions
A bit more tender
Rather than less...
And I don't need someone
Holding my hair when I puke,
And then calling it
A love song...
I've had weekly therapy...
I take time out
To write through
The confusion and emptiness...
I take time to find
The little bits of me
That need consolidating...
The bits of me
That are still me...
I've spent decades
Trying to fit into
Other people's lives...
But people get selfish
With things like family...
The wives I have chosen
Have had little self control,
Yet they couldn't give up
The little that they had
Over their children...
A step-dad
Could not be given
A share of the parenting
Because the biological "fathers"
Were worthless,
Or heartless,
Or spineless...
But they were men,
And I'm a man,
So I got a good bit of the venom
Meant for those others...
Momma bears
Think only they
Can care for their offspring,
Even if they
Are one of the main reasons
Their kids are struggling...
Coming forward
And stating a truth
Would destroy
The delicate balance
Between husband and wife...
Stating any harsh truths
Upsets the illusion...
Gets you called a liar...
Or cold...
Or heartless...
Or that's been my experience...
Anyway,
I haven't done anything
To lessen the pain
Except to try to heal...
I know she 
Is trying everything she can
To stop feeling...
Doing everything she can
To distract her mind
From the pain that she caused...
Sex, drugs, and rock and roll...
Y.O.L.O.
Strange,
Since she's the one
Who sent me away...
She's the petitioner...
Judge, jury, and executioner...
I heard tears
Muffled beneath
That ominous black hood...
As if the axe
Didn't want to fall...
But she brought it down, 
Regardless...
That last night
That I saw her face 
In the flesh...
Thunk!
Blue sky...
Sparrows exhaling birdsong...
Smudges of white smoke
Painting the sky
From oozing chimneys...
x