Into the Outer Darkness

 I can feel a chill
Over my heart...
A near-literal sensation
Of cold...
Emptiness...
It's an uncomfortable feeling,
So I'm going to 
Stick with it...
Sit here and write with it...
So I can assimilate it
And get past it...
I know it will take time...
But time is not unlimited...
Not for us living things...
Trying to gather
All that I  have learned
And hope that I have learned.
Cast out again
Into the outer darkness...
I have to be my own light...
It's sometimes a struggle
To keep it
From growing darker...
Temptation to pull it inwards
Instead of pushing it outwards...
Into the light...
I go a little crazy sometimes...
When I don't feel understood...
It feels like betrayal...
It feels cold
And empty...
For someone 
You gave your heart to
Tenderly
To become someone
Else...
Someone who doesn't understand you...
Someone who maybe
Never understood you...
Couldn't see you...
Couldn't hear you...
Couldn't feel you...
That feeling
Is chilling...
Like a deep freeze...
Probably bring it up
At therapy...
I search to feel
What I miss about her...
But there is only an ache
That feels like
Watching a loved one
Writhe in pain...
Sympathy pains (?)
Seeing the muscles and tendons
Working against each other
In a grand mal epileptic seizure...
And all you can do
Is keep them safe
And wait until it subsides...
But, this time,
I can't keep her safe...
I've got to let go...
Even knowing the agony
Of feeling
Echoes of her pain,
There is nothing I can do for her...
And that
Puts a chill
Over my heart...
"Don't give up on me,"
She would say...
As she cyclically 
Gave up on me...
I was supposed to understand...
It's just how she was made...
She's trying...
But, as I've discovered,
Even trying your best
Is often not good enough...
Don't smoke it away,
Don't drink it away,
Don't fuck it away,
Don't eat it away,
Don't sleep it away...
And don't run away...
Feel it...
Give yourself time and space
To feel it...
It's okay if other people get angry...
It's okay if you get angry...
Any emotion you could feel
Is appropriate...
Unless you don't face it...
And I may not completely understand...
But I understand.
I know enough.