Enduring Projection

 It seems strange
That everything she accused me of,
Everything she accused me of being
And doing,
She was doing or had done,
If not in actions,
Then in thought...
Projection
Is destabilizing...
I guess that is its purpose...
It can make you
Question your own sanity...
Question your own thoughts...
Professional
And well practiced 
Gaslighting...
Akin to narcissistic abuse,
It attempts to drain your power
While charging the abuser
With narcissistic supply...
If you let them
Get to you...
I let her
"Get to me"
For two years solid...
*
I honestly thought
We had a chance...
After every fight
I would struggle
To build our bridges back up...
Mend the cracks...
Learn to communicate better...
But, every time,
It was a fool's errand...
We wound up
At the same crossroads
Periodically...
Her casting me out...
Then apologizing,
And begging for me
To come back...
Then attacking me for leaving...
Even though
She was actually,
Emotionally,
Abandoning me...
Over and over and over...
This was my life with her...
I think she knew
Exactly how it made me feel
Every time she "ended things"...
I think she knew
The terror it made me feel
To lose her...
And she capitalized on that fear...
Used it in attempts 
To shackle me...
To punish me...
To control my emotional life
Since she had
Absolutely zero control
Of her own...
She swung her emotions
Like a spiked truncheon
Or a Morning Star...
Like some medieval torture device
Designed to inflict
Maximum pain...
She couldn't feel love...
She could intellectually
Recognize it,
Name it in a police line-up,
But she could never
Really receive it,
Not believing,
Deep down,
That she deserved it...
It's something
She desperately wanted,
But couldn't recognize
When it was in her hands...
*
I've known her for years...
Every one of her
Relationships, the same...
The same patterns emerging
Time after time...
She doesn't realize how closely
I paid attention
Over those years...
How detailed and accurate
My observations can be...
I still allowed myself 
To become entrapped
In her web, however...
None of my observations
Forewarned me
Of the future to come,
They simply
Presented me
With what my brainstem 
Considered to be
A noble cause...
A challenge...
I've said it before,
The "White Knight/Savior Complex"...
Funny thing,
Most of those saviors
End up dying on a cross...
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