Some of the things I'd like to write about
are somewhat waiting
for various other things to happen
in real life...
A big one is what has to happen
eleven days from today...
When I can be finally free
to say or do whatever I want
to say or do
without any concern
about what anyone else
or their daughter
has to say about it...
Legal dissolution of the marriage...
I have been ready to move on for months now...
I have been moving on, of course,
but somewhat cautiously
and only slightly in the shadows...
More and more I move into the light...
The closer I get to the final date,
the lighter my steps become...
And there is another big one
that has to happen...
Milestones...
Life changing events...
Vague references to things that change a man...
Things that take whatever scraps left
that are still just a boy
and transform those pieces
into a rather whole man...
I have never been here before...
Once, I got a brief taste of that feeling,
but even if it were not only from a distance,
it didn't last...
Not in the physical world, anyways...
The conversation, this time,
is very deliberate and anticipated...
Not so much calculated,
but there is a groove playing in our respective heads...
The notes are complimentary,
what one mind doesn't sing,
the other fills in the gaps...
The melody is nearly identical,
but also somewhat foreign...
Like I said,
I've never been here before...
I am finally very close
to being a real human being...
Before this, I think I was just velveteen...
There are other things that need to happen, too...
Mundane things like VA medical appointments
and potential disability compensation...
Evaluations...
Blood draws and urinalysis...
Maybe some major re-evaluation of my entire life
leading up to these moments that I am
happily experiencing
right here, right now...
I might be able to become something
that, years ago,
I gave up any hope of becoming...
Maybe I just stashed a little hope away
for safe keeping...
Hid it under a stone head...
Marble...
Found in a landfill from the 50's...
What was left of some shattered statue...
It looked like the head of an angel...
I put it over her grave next to her name plate
because no one had gotten her a headstone...
She would have been 23 years old this past August...
And on Halloween day, she will have been gone
for as many years...
But, right now,
the most wonderful words I have ever heard
are,
"We'll see..."
And, for now,
that is all that I can say...
All that I can do...
The room is buzzing
like 17 year cicadas...
Waiting for years underground
sucking sap out of tree roots,
metamorphosizing into
something both primitive and beautiful,
with only one purpose:
the dance...
Choreography perfect and natural...
Both planned and unplanned,
simultaneously...
We'll see...
What's next?
We'll see...
x
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