I have travelled thousands of miles
and across a span of 15 years
to get to this place,
right here, right now...
It may have actually been
nearly forty-eight years
and light years of travel
to be right in this place
and right at this moment...
It may have even been lifetimes
carrying me from the center of the Universe...
It feels like I've been wandering...
Exploring...
Observing and recording information...
Or, it used to feel that way...
But now it feels like
there's been a destination in mind...
A specific time and place
that I have been waiting for...
It's something so much bigger than me...
Something more impactful
than I had previously imagined...
Something I did not expect...
Some force I could not resist,
though it could not speak in words...
I had to see it and feel it,
touch it and experience it
to understand it...
I still don't understand it,
but I know I have to keep listening...
It feels like I've led a somewhat purposeless existence
right up until now...
Just existing, struggling, gritting my teeth through very real pain...
In the world, but not of it...
But not in a religious sense...
More like an extraterrestrial stranded here...
Even in my hometown,
eons ago it seems,
I never really felt "at home"...
Not completely...
The like-able outsider is where I existed...
A unicorn that inspired people from a distance
with my eccentricities
that it took years for me to accept...
There were some people that I thought
felt somewhat like home,
but they were just outsiders like me...
And I wanted so much to feel "home"
that I think I fooled myself into thinking
they were that place...
Sometimes it took years of convincing them
that I felt that way,
but they must have known,
deep down,
that I was fooling myself...
And those things always collapsed...
Those situations were a symptom of my desperation...
That love was always shared with
ghosts from their pasts
that they could not let go...
I never wanted to just be a roommate
sharing their psyche
with the people who had hurt them...
And then left them...
Long, drawn out beginnings...
Exhaustive courtship displays...
Trying too hard to make it happen...
Soiling the things that I thought could have been pure...
Mucking them up...
Resisting the flow when I should have been carried by the current...
Going with the flow when I should have resisted...
But I feel like I have a purpose...
Suddenly...
I am right where I am supposed to be...
I am no longer an outsider...
I finally realize that I have been an Earthling
all along...
Just a man...
And I want some of those things
that other humans have...
Not the accoutrements of physical success,
not physical possessions,
not the house, the lifelong career, or two week cruises...
Not the expensive car, 401k's, or anything else
that is without a soul...
This ultimate destination is something pure...
It may even be older than sexual reproduction...
Older than the Big Bang...
Older than time, itself...
Something ancient and primordial,
but so very new to my experience...
It seems vaguely familiar,
but not from this lifetime...
It also feels like it is supposed to be...
Like I couldn't and shouldn't avoid this...
Everything before this moment
was leading specifically to this moment...
I just didn't realize it before right now...
I wasn't ready, yet...
I am fully ready for this
now...
I am finally home...
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