I’ve heard it said
that the person we were,
the person we are,
and the person we are becoming
are all different people…
I’ll have to disagree…
When I was a child,
I was bratty and loud,
and I had temper tantrums
if I didn’t get my way…
I’m still the same child,
I just learned that behavior like that
bore no fruit…
So I changed my behavior…
I gained knowledge,
but inside my head,
I still have little internal tantrums…
When I was a pre-teen,
I was quiet and shy,
a bit withdrawn…
I am still that pre-adolescent…
I just learned that behavior like that
bore no fruit…
I gained knowledge,
and changed my behavior…
Conditioned myself to be more social…
But inside, I am still that shy little kid…
In college, my twenties,
I was a ladies man…
Couldn’t get enough sex, drugs and Rock and roll…
Slept with dozens and dozens (and dozens)
of beautiful and articulate women…
Also learned that doing that
led to lots and lots of unnecessary drama…
So I gained knowledge,
and I changed my behavior…
I am still that over-sexed young man,
but I don’t have to externalize that fact…
I learned that one woman
can fulfill all of that need…
From my thirties to my forties
I gave my love to one woman
for about fifteen years…
I was a devoted and faithful husband
for about 15 years…
I learned that
being devoted and faithful
doesn’t necessarily
make the wife think that is true…
I learned that love has to be returned,
not just given…
I learned that a woman can stop loving you
because you are disabled…
I learned that even love itself
isn’t always the answer…
There has to be give and take…
I learned that some people
can love their hate
more than they love you…
I’m the same man now
that I was for that nearly 15 years,
but I learned a whole lot of new information
and adjusted my behavior accordingly…
That same old me
practiced seeking happiness over physical things,
practicing gratitude for what I have,
rather than regret over what I do not…
This is the secret to real success…
And my life has changed radically throughout the years,...
My behavior has changed accordingly
when new information is introduced,
but I was always the same man, boy, child…
I was born being me…
I just didn’t know anything yet…
I needed to learn who “I” was…
And even though my behavior has changed,
my personality has been relatively the same,
just with minor to major external modifications
in response to the chaos
that the world can cast off…
I’m the same romantic teenager
who wrote love poetry
because love felt good
(even, sometimes, when it was not returned)
and writing about it
filled a specific need in me
to express that feeling…
That hasn’t changed…
I have learned that captivity
can suck that need to express
right out of me…
But even during my captivity,
I was still me…
That likely caused my captor
no end of consternation…
I was me,
and she couldn’t deconstruct me…
My behavior could be modified,
but I was still me…
I was still learning…
I’ve been an “observer” since I was an infant…
An armchair anthropologist
watching every detail of the things
going on around me…
How humans interact…
Why they do the things they do…
What are their external and internal motivations…
And I have been learning every step of the way…
Striving to be better…
Next time…
Some lessons take longer than others…
But in the end,
I am still here…
Unchanged except for my behavior…
I have much more wisdom than I used to have
when I was younger,
but I am still me…
Always be you…
Be yourself, always…
Know yourself enough
to know when to change your behavior
to suit your needs…
Know yourself enough to know
that happiness and gratitude
are all you need…
Once you accept this,
everything else
will begin to fall into place…
It may take actual work,
but you will learn what work is worth
and that it is worth your while
to work towards certain goals
in earnest…
There is no need to become some new person…
Some brand new thing…
Just change your behavior…
Seek true happiness
without using others as tools,
stepping stones to whatever you thought
was the “top”...
Allow yourself to learn, constantly…
Always be that teenager who writes poetry
whether it be to woo
or to glorify the love you feel…
Be your passion…
Like you always have…
Maybe you just didn’t know…
Gain knowledge,
and modify your behavior accordingly…
What you are “becoming” is you…
What you’ve always been…
It’s just been covered by a plaque of ignorance, at times…
A thin veneer of egotism, sometimes…
A grimy crust of self-consciousness, other times…
No matter what has been on the surface,
you have always been you…
You may not have known it,
but you were always there…
Maybe hiding…
Maybe even trying to be someone else…
But that is running from the true you…
Embrace yourself,
even if you think you’re evil
or ugly
or damaged
or crazy…
Be yourself…
Love yourself enough
to educate yourself about yourself…
You’re not turning into someone else,
you’re simply learning more and more
about who you are…
Unearthing more and more
of who you really are…
Which is who you have always been…
And who you always will be…
Observe whatever new events enter your life,
observe your reactions to them,
and modify your behavior accordingly…
Become yourself…
Become who you truly are…
You’ve actually been here forever
just waiting to be unearthed…
And you’ve always been the same individual,
just reacting differently
to different stimuli
over time,
and learning…
Growing…
Knowing…
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