Sometimes it feels like
I never woke up from that coma…
It has been a journey of awakening,
most certainly…
A necessary experience…
But the present,
three years later,
seems like a dream…
A lucid dream…
I am fully conscious,
aware of myself,
and aware of my surroundings…
I feel more focused than I ever have…
And I don’t want to wake up
from this dream,
if a dream it is…
Or the time line split
as one version of me died
in the ICU…
Bloated blue gray green…
While another became
the time line I am currently aware of....
Here, now,
and more content than
I could have ever imagined…
Almost too good to be true…
Like at the end of Repo Men,
where the anti-hero
is hooked up to life support
with a programmed virtual reality
playing into his mind
the most beautiful ending
to his story…
A place where everything comes together…
Every little thing seems to fit…
The stars all align…
But it’s just virtual reality…
I don’t want to wake up
if this is a dream…
I feel awake enough
to question all of my long standing beliefs
about who I am, and who I was,
and why I think that I am here…
The stars all align…
Every other moment is something
dripping with meaning…
Synchronicities
piling up
faster than we can
sweep them up…
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind…
Memories implanted…
Memories erased…
I don’t want to forget anything…
Not the good or the bad
about the last three years…
About the last 15 years...
About the last 48 years…
I wish I could remember
all of the joy
and all of the pain…
Every experience
that has taught me
or shaped me
or scarred me
or healed me…
That is knowledge
that can inform potential wisdom…
It is what finally got me
to this particular moment in time
where certain moments
are sweet like ambrosia…
Just like the Nectar of the Gods…
Connections that feel like
they go far deeper and far higher
than the mere physical
or the psychological…
Something like a science fiction love story…
Currently existing science
can not yet measure
the kind of energy
that is in the air
right at this very moment…
Science cannot yet explain
the present moment
sending a noticeable pulse
backwards into the time line…
Communicating with a past self…
Guiding them to this particular moment…
Time line paradox?
Guiding the repeated branching of time lines
like a botanist or a landscaper…
The binding of a Bonsai tree…
The pruning of a Crepe Myrtle...
Putting tar over the broken branches
to keep the sap,
the lifeblood,
from running out…
Planning where each new branch will grow…
And where they will eventually grow to…
Are there echoes?
I can hear them...
And I can feel them…
But I still sometimes feel
like I have to look at my hands
like you should do
if you find yourself in a lucid dream…
Be awake and aware within the dream…
But also like suspecting
that you are just on the holodeck
on a starship…
Is this truly real?
When so many things seem to be so perfect…
Like the seams between the stone blocks
of the Great Pyramids…
I had driven right over the now
way back in 2003
after spending a few hours
in St. David’s hospital
with an ever so slightly fractured nose
when I was in a car
pretty much T-boned by a drunk driver
who had jumped a median…
I remember every moment of the crash,
the impact, the warm blood down my chest,
but I didn’t remember the name of that hospital
until I woke up from that coma
and was told that I had been there before…
Did it spark a future memory?
Which came first?
Is it always there
just waiting to unfold?
The story has always existed, in full,
even though it has not yet all been told?
Every fairytale has a challenge…
Even a long series of obstacles
to navigate
before the happily ever after…
But the protagonists can feel it…
They feel the shared purpose and passion
that makes it possible
to complete the journey…
Despite any obstacles…
Even if the story never ends...
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