Alive (Recovered from November 17, 2017)

To understand where I am
you have to understand
where I have been…
Everything that I have
been through
and endured…
The physical and the psychological…
You have to understand 
what I have lost
and what I have given up…
*
There are things
that could have broken me,
but they did not break me…
Things that could have killed me,
but they did not kill me…
I rise up
every time that I get knocked down…
I am stronger and more focused
every time that I
pull myself up…
I am stronger now
than I have ever been…
My mind is more clear
than it has ever been…
I am more alive
than I have ever been…
*
To understand my decisions now,
you have to understand my life,
my story,
the specific details
that make me
what it is that I am…
Tens of thousands of words
would leave out 
hundreds of thousands of words…
*
I might never be able to justify
my actions,
properly,
with words,...
But I am justified…
Resolute…
Committed…
And in love…
*
It took me by surprise,
but it happened exactly
when it was supposed to
and with whom it was meant to…
I have never been so certain
that what I am feeling
is real…
Without reservation…
Without a single doubt in my mind
I go forward…
*
I choose my path willingly, now…
I let myself be swept by circumstance
in the past…
I let myself be swayed by the thrill of taboo…
By the cold passion of revenge, wrath…
By the emptiness of depression,
or by the weakness of low self-esteem…
I have never fully been myself,
or the captain steering the ship…
but, now,
I have my eyes open…
*
I was sleepwalking for years…
Just awake enough to slowly learn
from the tar pits
I had entrapped myself in…
Slowly…
Actively trying, it seemed,
to give up…
Sinking, year after year, deeper…
But my head never sank below the surface…
My nostrils were always clear…
And even if I once had to be on a ventilator
to stay alive…
I continued to live…
I was able to remember those moments…
That feeling of being dragged down
that feels like dying…
And I still live…
*
Standing tall,
I still live…
And that life force energy in me
that felt like it was draining
is awake
and it is growing…
Against all odds,
and despite 
any naysayers’ stings…
Not everyone will understand,
some may be shocked or even horrified,
but I am finally me…
And everything is going to be okay…
Everything…
Because I am finally here...
x