Idealize/Devalue/Discard

 Looking back,
I thought I had found true love,
But I was just another case study...
An unhealthy portion of the relationship
Was basically symptoms...
Textbook Borderline symptoms...
As if the DSM came to life
And professed its undying love for me...
Being on the edge of co-dependent, of course I jumped at the chance...
Then the scripts began to run...
Basically all ones and zeros...
What should have been a Macy's Day Parade of red flags,
I just let pass by like a warm breeze...
Scientifically, it was interesting...
I definitely became more educated...
You know...
Observing lions in the wild...
Trying to understand them better while hoping not to get eaten alive...
Psychology can be adrenaline inducing, I suppose,
If you go all Jane Goodall, and become one with the apes...
Chimps can be loving and community minded,
But they will also chew off your face and hands if they see you as a threat...
For certain people, just being in love is a threat...
It's something to lose, while before it, they had nothing...
Nothing to lose...
And so, they quickly and methodically go about
Destroying any love they happen to find...
Idealize/Devalue/Discard...
Reading articles on the internet from "BPD survivors" is interesting...
I read my own experience over and over and over and over...
They say everyone is different, but...
Over and over and over and over...
Same old song and dance...
Same motivations...
Identical behaviors...
Sometimes I could see the gears turning...
Of course, I would be the one to help her to help herself...
Of course, I was qualified enough to save her from herself...
Yeah,
Right...
Of course, I was a co-dependent mess...
Classic "White Knight" covert narcissism...
You know how you can see something coming,
And simultaneously not see something coming?
Schrodinger's foresight?
But this jellyfish,
Using logic and scientific method,
Grew some vertebrae...
I won't collapse if I don't have the skeleton of a lover to support me...
I know that what I feel, my emotional reactions, is not objective reality...
I don't ascribe to magical thinking...
At least I can close my eyes at night knowing I don't hate myself...
And I quite enjoy my own company...