Heart of Gold

 One thing that lets me know
I'm not completely over
The last relationship?
I'm still having a hard time
Forgiving...
A part of me
Still hopes 
That she suffered
Immensely...
Hopes 
That she is still suffering,
Immensely, 
Despite any of her attempts
To dissociate or forget...
Still hopes 
That she does miss
My lips on hers
Even while she
Lies in bed with another...
With others...
I still hope
She learns more
About who she really is...
And what she 
Is responsible for
In her relationships...
Maybe she can be better
For the next one...
Maybe she can
Learn to be mindful
Of her emotional reactions...
Maybe...
There is still a good measure
Of hurt and anger
That I have to get over...
An unhealthy level of bile
Built up in the system
That has to stop
Before I can be
Emotionally clear...
That's ego talking...
"How could she do this to me?"
Truth of the matter?
I shouldn't have taken
Any of her words or actions
Personally...
She treated me
Like she's treated everyone else
That she has committed to...
With suspicion and infidelity...
Projection and crippling insecurity...
So,
Yeah,
I'm not "there" yet...
Not completely "over it"...
But
I should be...
If I'm being honest with myself,
I likely started the separation process
Months before we finally separated...
I was simply
Waiting for the opportunity
To get away...
I just wasn't going to be
The one to call it off...
"I won't be the one."
I knew she'd eventually
Get around to it...
Asking for a divorce...
It wasn't the first time...
Predictable patterns of behavior...
All I had to do was wait,
And I'd be free...
I left all of the responsibility to her...
I let her own her final decision...
When people talk,
Listen...
They are usually
More literal with their words
Than even they believe...
And I could tell,
In hindsight,
She wanted out
From the moment we
Got together...
No matter what she told herself...
When she told me the truth,
The absolute truth,
It was when she was in meltdown mode...
That's when she told me
How she really felt about me...
When she was love bombing me,
Telling me about "forever" love,
That's when she was lying to me,
To us,
In an attempt
To convince me to stay...
"Don't give up on me..."
Even at those times
I could see the skepticism
In her eyes
When she looked at me...
Trying to convince herself
That I was the one
When she never really believed it...
I was just another thing
That she had wanted to own...
A plaything...
Something
To play house with...
A game...
A game I eventually
Refused to play...
No longer content
To convince her
Of who I really was...
Who I really am...
That's not something
She cared much about,
The parts of me
That were me...
She only cared
About the parts of me
That made her feel
Superior to me,
Superior to others...
Picking at any weakness...
Meticulously tearing apart
Any words I said or wrote...
I couldn't even write her 
Love poetry
For fear of her either
Misunderstanding the words
Or assuming some darker message
That she had invented in her head...
Nothing would have been enough...
Nothing would have truly
Penetrated her armor
Despite her being
So easy to penetrate
By "randos," as she calls them...
Nothing special...
Nothing that anyone
Couldn't have...
Show up with a bag 
And she's yours
For at least a few hours...
Classy...
But, I know
That I should be working towards
Forgiveness...
Forgiveness of myself...
Forgiveness of her...
I know...
I know I have to dispense
With the need
For meanness and spite...
But it's so tempting
To feel that way...
For a time...
It does get easier
As time goes on...
In cycling waves...
I know that it's nothing but ashes to ashes,
And dust to dust...
Nothing more than 
A collection of memories
Of a lead heart
Plated with gold foil...