BPD Survivor

 Forever...
As in,
"I'll love you forever."
I've never heard that
From someone who actually
Meant it...
Not in three marriages, anyway...
It may have been used as a device
In attempts to
Secure my compliance
As a provider...
My choices for marriage
Were people who
Really couldn't support themselves...
People who needed "help"...
Financially, emotionally, psychologically...
Broken people...
Wounded...
Like I was The New Colossus
For broken hearts...
With silent lips,
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses 
yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse 
Of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, 
tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Forever...
Por siempre...
It exists,
But not for lovers...
If all obstacles are avoided expertly,
Death still separates you in the end...
Forever goes on with or without you...
It's simply a measurement of time...
It seems like a silly thing,
From my current vantage point,
To say that to someone...
To say, "I'll love you forever..."
It feels like "future faking"...
Promising something
That logic dictates
Is an impossibility...
Logic and emotion can co-exist...
I have chosen people
Who cannot commingle the two...
Black and white thinkers...
Splitters...
Triangulation...
Givers of
Idealization and devaluation...
Masters of intermittent reinforcement...
People lacking object constancy 
And whole object relations...
Forever...
Too much to ask,
And impossible to give...
Just be with me here...
Just be with me now...
Be your authentic self...
(Be aware enough
And strong enough 
To actually have an authentic self...)
Give me a reason to trust
Is all I would really ask
Of anyone new...
Give me a safe space
Where I can finally
Let my guard down
And be my authentic self
Rather than a dancing monkey
With a paycheck...