She Was Everything

She was everything

I hated about myself...

Maybe that was the draw...

I didn't realize it at the time,

But 

That was how we could

So easily relate...

I've been trying to change...

Trying to learn

How to at least like myself

(I've always struggled

With the word

"Love,"

So "like" will have to do...)

That feeling does waiver,

But "loving" myself has,

In the past,

Been more like lust or 

Overplayed pride...

Closer to a cardinal sin

Than appreciation or acceptance...

And

She was everything

I wished I could change

About myself...

A bloody harpoon

that I pulled out of my thigh,

its barbs taking

small strips of my flesh...

Maybe loving her,

I must have thought,

I could change those things

She hated about herself...

A possible success story

That I could then apply to myself...

I didn't know this

At the time,

But that doesn't make it

Any less true...

The biggest problem

Was that she had 

Given up on herself

Long before I even met her...

When the cement mixer

Stops spinning,

The concrete will set...

I keep spinning...

Not always at the proper speed,

Too slow or too fast,

But the changes are constant...

They never seem to stop...

Even if I am tired 

And feel like I want to

Give up on myself,

I keep spinning...

I never noticed

Until it was too late

That she had stopped spinning

Some time in her teens,

Long before we even met...

Words aren't actions,

So she told me what 

She thought I wanted to hear

When she wasn't 

Breaking down

And trying to place blame 

On me for her nightmares

(This statement is both metaphorical 

And literal)...

She had been breaking down for decades...

I only experienced two years

Of the curing process...

It took me that long

To figure out

How brittle she was...

She is still everything

That I hated about myself...

A symbolic representation

of my own demons...

And, as for me,

I have never really known

What I am,

But I keep changing

Into something else...

All I'm trying to do now

Is get the reigns 

Firmly in my own hands,

Rather than letting the carriage

Go where the curves of the road

Take me...

I am trying

To accept myself,

And forgive myself

For any wrongs I may have done

To me...