This is just a tribute
To a fleeting moment in the time stream...
It's one of those days
Where the doubt and fear
Caused by anxiety
Become persistent...
The stepping stones across the river
Are constantly changing...
Internal and external...
A part of my own
Psychological disorder
Is that feeling of
Living between disasters...
Always preparing
For the next ordinance explosion...
Like a soldier,
I live for peace,
But I am always ready
To go to war...
You've heard the saying/meme:
The struggle is real...
Yeah,
It's interesting
Being alive,
But it's not easy...
Motivating to tend to it
Can get heavy
Some days...
Almost too heavy to lift...
Limbs silently protesting
The command to move...
A bit of an emptiness inside...
That familiar old tinman feeling...
An empty oil drum...
Listen to the percussive sound
That it makes...
A tinny bass...
Thunder
With no lightning...
See and feel the roiling clouds...
Billowing and swirling and black...
There is very little light...
Black smoke
Swirling in my empty core...
Just weary from the journey is all...
Wondering when there will be
Safety
And security...
I'm so tired of all the uncertainty,
And I just want to get this right...
And trying to relax
Is a struggle...
Nature sounds
Playing on the firestick...
A babbling brook with birdsong...
A little weed,
A little whiskey...
Don't usually drink,
But I remembered I still had
Little nippers of Fireball stashed on a shelf,
And today was a great opportunity
To ease my spirits...
A fistful of valerian root...
Mild otc tranquilizing herb...
Telling myself to write it down...
This exercise is therapeutic...
Describing what it feels like,
Physically...
Attempting to ground oneself...
Quiet the speaking mind...
Reaching out to the gut mind...
That place
Where you know without words...
Where physical sensations
Are your limbic system
Communicating
With your intellect...
Pre-verbal and often infantile,
It wants what it wants...
Your frontal lobe
Has to apply the limitations...
The idea of restraint...
And then,
When you get to that point,
Where you allow yourself
To corporeally feel,
Often, and quite suddenly,
You understand...
Or free association of ideas
Triggers the root
Of the obstacle...
For the longest time now,
I've wanted her to hate me...
To see me as the blackest hearted of villains...
Rationalizing it as
"For the best"...
And it very likely is...
We were horrible for each other...
And, despite actually having
A very hard time letting go,
My logical mind knew
It could go no further...
If I saw her face to face,
It would be an agonizing pain...
Because, yes, I still care...
I actually still love her...
And, knowing what I know,
Experiencing what I've experienced,
Both loving her and wanting her,
While despising her
And, knowing we are toxic together,
Recoiling in self-defense,
That's not something I want to feel
To quite that kind of
Intensity...
The feelings of "love"
Are tempered
By my new opinions of her...
Tempered by the depleted
Levels of respect
That I have for her...
Some sacrifices must be made...
Some comforting thoughts
Must necessarily be
"Killed in the crib"...
What's not for you
Is not for you...
The wheel grinds on...
Just another day...
Maybe the chemical adulterants
Have finally
Accomplished
A fraction of their goal...
Maybe I care
Just a tiny bit less...
It's better than nothing at all less...
Just a tiny touch
Of anesthetic...
Yeah, a tribute to a fleeting moment
In the immensity of time...
Meaningless
By the time that dust
Is all that is left
Of empires,
And the sun envelops the Earth...
No comments:
Post a Comment