Expression

Gone full no contact...
Better this way...
Even apologies come with accusations...
Every "kind" word comes with an admonishment 
That expressing how I truly feel is "childish"...
I imagine her parents did that to her...
That's why she does it now...
We are products of our past history and upbringing...
Nature and nurture...
The things I say,
Even the things you read here,
Were not said to destroy her;
They were me expressing my emotions...
And emotions aren't logical...
They are rarely in sync with tangible reality...
They exist,
But no one else can touch them other than their author...
They are your property, alone...
They can make us come to faulty conclusions...
Make us hear another's words, but not understand their meaning...
They can make us imagine worst case scenarios so firmly
That we don't examine the details of extant consensus reality...
But we are allowed to have them...
Even express them...
Describe them in such intricate detail...
To feel what we feel for a brief moment...
Come close, at least,
But description will never fully close the gap between self and other...
People develop personal biases against these types of expressions...
They hear what they expect to hear,
Not what is said...
They make assumptions - snip snap...
And assume the worst...
Honesty is seen by some as nastiness...
Bitterness...
Betrayal of a love that once was,
Turned into hurt...
The shear magnitude of it heavy as a collapsing star...
It makes you hurt,
It's not childish to hurt...
It is human...
And it is natural to "feel" when you have been
Demeaned, debased, and devalued...
One can only be "Kicked to the curb" so many times
Before the only course of action is to simply walk away...
I'm healing...
It's necessarily messy...
It may seem too messy to some,
But that's their trip, and they don't pay my bills...
This is my mind...
My head and my heart...
Emotionally battered...
Somewhat bruised...
This is not done to destroy anyone...
This is done to heal me...
This is how I have kept from losing my mind for many, many years...
Is it too public for some people?
Of course.
No more or less so than poetry readings and open mic's back in college...
I sprayed my joy and my pain at audiences tanked on coffee (Both they and I...)
And even if I wasn't their favorite person,
They were always at least mildly entertained...
Applause was a nice validation...
It didn't always mean they understood,
But it did mean they appreciated the effort...
I still have some fans...
People that were there, listening in person, that are still in my life today...
This is reminiscent of those glory days (For them and for me)...
It is a part of me...
Probably one of the more healthy of my habits...
"Wringing out the rot," as a now estranged friend used to say...
Words will offend some personally...
This taking offense blocks understanding...
That's okay...
I'm not responsible for how others feel...
That doesn't mean that I don't care...
It's simply that: each and every one of us, alone, is responsible for how we feel...
I can't change that reality...
All I can do is what I do...
All I can say is what I say...
All I can feel is what I feel...
All that I am is what I am...
I can accept that that isn't everybody's cup of tea...
But it's also not my responsibility to be...