Dissociating Slowly

 More of the same messages
Reported with cyclic regularity...
The distance grows...
I have hope for
My individual future,
But I have lost hope
In some others...
Lost hope that she could change...
I disassociate as I read the letter...
As if it were a scene in a movie...
As if it were nothing more than a trope 
Or a theatrical device...
My own feelings on the matter
Are far from fully resolved,
But that's my trip...
Love and hate can be so close...
The amount of hurt I felt 
Right after that day,
That day when all I could feel was nothing,
Was soul crushing...
Luckily or unluckily for me,
I am apparently indestructible...
This means that I'll survive,
But it doesn't mean
That I won't suffer greatly
In the process...
King of pain, and all that shit...
I often torture myself with introspection...
I spend a lot of time driving
And thinking...
A lot of time
Sitting in my vehicle for a time
Before going into the apartment...
Home?
This is not my home...
It's too tenuous...
Too hit-or-miss...
I have the I Ching character 
For The Wanderer
Tattooed on my chest...
It represents my life...
Wandering from place to place...
From love to love...
With nothing ever really seeming to stick...
There has been no real permanence, 
Other than a handful
Of devoted and valued friends
Scattered across the country...
People who know my flaws
And still love me,
As I am,
And, even more importantly,
Still show me love...
They are my home,
Wherever my body may be...
Odysseus fighting his way back
To his Penelope...
But I have not found my Penelope,
Or, I probably have,
But left things at friendship...
These were people 
I didn't want to lose...
Didn't want to risk
Letting down...
She was one of those people,
Once upon a time,
But she wanted more...
She wanted it all...
And, like the parable
Of the Goose Who Laid the Golden Egg,
I was eviscerated...
Had nothing left to give
After a while...
Bleeding out
Because I allowed myself to trust
That she would handle my heart
Lovingly and gently...
Honestly and sincerely...
Trust is a big bad now...
For a time...
Hope got battered
Pretty handily,
But it wasn't murdered...
It was only a metaphorical slaughter...
The words I read,
I've heard them all before...
And I am somewhere
Far, far away...
Unmoved by those words,
And overanalyzing the gesture...