I've been the one everyone loves.
I've been the one everyone hates.
I've been the one doubled over in pain on the floor,
More times than I can count.
I've been the one to abandon a friend in need.
I've been the one to literally give someone the shirt off of my own back.
I've been the one to turn a blind eye.
I've been the one to protect the innocent.
I've been the one to take innocence away.
I've been the one to defend an enemy.
I've been the one to teach hard lessons.
I've been the one that needed to learn.
I've been the one stalked by the psychologically unstable.
I've been the one stalking as the psychologically unstable.
I've been the one who lives in the shadows.
I've been the one who flourishes in the light.
I've been the one who dissipates in the wind.
I've been the rock unscathed by sand and wind.
I've been the one who turned and ran.
I've been the one who went down with the ship.
I've been the one who did everything wrong.
I've been the one who did everything right.
The outcomes were usually the same,
But something has changed...
25 years of misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis.
25 years of raging against the thought that
This was going to be the rest of my life.
25 years of aggressively hanging on to thin shreds of "normal" life.
25 years of plain and simple torture:
Gone in an instant...
The one thing that's been there through everything I've been through
Has been that pain.
Some habits are hard to break.
There is nowhere to direct that force of will
in a way that I have become accustomed.
And there has been adjustment;
Major changes in who I am, thought I was, and will be.
There's been some collateral damage,
but they'll grow past it, eventually,
a fading memory,
Que sera, sera.
Sometimes we are served harshly by karma;
Sometimes we are the tool of karma serving someone else.
I didn't ask for any of this
to happen the way that it did,
But here it is...
And it was exactly what I'd asked for
for 25 years.
I've been the one who learned to surf
no matter what the weather was doing
through the changes
and the shear physical agony.
I've been the one to take the ronin warrior's path,
No master to serve,
Neither good nor bad,
Both remarkable and invisible,
Ready for the next chapter to be revealed:
The long ascent from the darkness can begin.
And the questions...
So many questions that must be asked
as the fog slowly clears from a 25 year long haze
where the only spare mind I had left to function in the public world
was dropping fries into grease,
Or something similar,
On and off,
For decades...
Something has abruptly changed...
Waking up
takes time...
Some people need to know.
Some people don't even need to know.
Eyes tight -
No time left for those types.
I can only handle the people who truly see...
x
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