A good friend asked how I was feeling...
Concerned because finality doesn't always feel the way we expect it to...
The divorce was adjudicated very recently...
Working all day...
No real time to sit down,
And get centered,
And allow my self to feel whatever emotions may come...
Of course,
I get home and immediately hit the Netflix on the projector
Just to have some low level distraction...
Now, after the show,
I'm giving myself time to feel...
The constant, ever present whirr of the cooling fan nowhere to be heard...
I close my eyes,
And the physical sensation is in my muscles...
Particularly upper body,
Chest and back...
I feel more muscular than I am
With this particular sensation...
Like Conan on the his throne...
King by his own hand...
So I must be feeling more empowered
Than victimized...
Other sensations...
Floaty?
Ever so slightly disconnected...
Watching your body on the operating table
From above...
O.O.B.E.
There is no pain...
Earlier in the day,
You know how you
Catch your breath
Right before a good cry?
On the verge of that,
But it never became fully fledged...
Right now...
It's almost like a mild body buzz...
(I guess a bit of weed
Helped out just a little...)
Kind of comfortable...
Not really sad or happy...
Just relieved...
It's not quite numbness...
It's not that far...
Of course, I still have feelings
For her,
But I can't allow myself to be near her...
Physically proximate...
I love her and I hate her,
Simultaneously...
And I know this is natural...
It will not be an obstacle in moving on...
I know I have a tendency to obsess over things...
Spinning the prayer wheel
Over and over again
With the compulsion of a monk...
The big wheel just keeps on turning...
Life goes on...
For her...
For me...
Just a day in the life...
A snapshot of human life...
Fitting of something like The Truman Show...
Cameras everywhere for both research
And entertainment...
There's that exhausted feeling like when you're just getting back home
From a long day trip to the beach,
Sun up to sunset,
Sand and sunscreen still glistening in your hair...
Like coming down from an acid trip...
Feels like ending the night with drinks by a small bonfire...
I'm somewhat surprised that I feel alright...
I'm still hesitant to say that I feel good...
I mean like "good good"...
It's a sober feeling...
Serious...
Necessary...
This isn't exactly a
Popping champagne corks
Kind of situation...
Just sitting quietly
While two baby ferrets
Methodically
Explore the room
(In between naps...)
The critters tipped the scales of happy at least up to
"I frequently have a reason to laugh..."
What else do I really need,
But simple happy?
No comments:
Post a Comment