In therapy,
I get gently reprimanded
When I describe my own
Emotional reactions
As childlike...
We are all,
Emotionally,
Between 5 and 10...
Generally speaking...
But we have years of experience
Doing that...
That gives us our age...
The thinking mind
Is aware of the passage of time
And amassed real-world experience...
Emotions can't feel this...
They have memory,
But all triggering events
Refer back to childhood...
I am told
That although
Those emotions feel childlike,
I am a full grown adult man...
My own descriptions of my
Emotional reactions
Devalued them...
They tried to time travel
Out of the
Intensity
Of the moment...
I am here, now...
I have to be present...
No more
Disassociation...
This life isn't a movie
That I am watching...
Though much of it had felt that way...
A survival technique...
Effective, but not exactly healthy...
My emotional reactions
Are valid, tangibly real...
And I have to leave space for them...
Remain present
Even when the first instinct
Is to withdraw
And shut down...
I have tried to exert
Too much control,
Rather than being out of control...
Externally, it may look the same
To onlookers and outside observers...
I'm not the actor...
I should strive
To be the director...
The maestro...
The captain of my ship...
Being the method actor
Who couldn't get out of character
Is something I used to
Struggle with
When I regularly
Performed on coffee house stages...
And I've performed every day since...
Worker, husband, father, son, brother, friend...
I am tired of acting...
I want to be seen
As an individual
Who extends
Far beyond the roles that I play...
I've inspired others
To be themselves...
Inspired art and poetry...
I've inspired fearlessness...
But I never saw myself
As brave...
Never appreciated it...
I have tamed dragons...
Befriended them...
I used to blindly hunt them...
Steel blades flashing...
Snicker-snack
Went the head of the Jabberwock
I have been through the looking glass...
Assimilated the minotaur
At the center of the maze
With self-care and mindfulness
I used to be terrified
Of going it alone...
But I have support...
I have a kind of community
In diaspora...
The internet shrinking the world
With instant communication...
I have been training for this moment
For a lifetime...
I'm removing the chains...
Cutting the cord...
I can feel myself again...
After decades of being
Mostly numb or anxious,
I feel like myself...
I feel aware of myself...
I am present...
For now...
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