A Thousand Tiny Cracks

 Just words...
I am going through some stuff,
But I'm not
Losing my head...
Don't worry,
I'm not gonna do
What everybody
Thinks I'm gonna do
And
Freak out...
Yes,
She broke me...
But you have to
Break sometimes
Before you can be fixed...
The shattering
Didn't happen all at once...
It wasn't even unexpected...
A thousand tiny cracks
Had already been there
Before her...
A thousand tiny cracks
She brought to me...
When she said the word
"Divorce",
Unlike all the other times
She ended the relationship
Where I feared losing her
So much I couldn't think straight,
This time
There was a sigh of relief...
I couldn't lash out...
There was no anger...
There was no hurt...
It was just another orbit
Of the cycle...
I was numb to it...
And I knew it had to stop...
Therapy and pharmaceuticals 
Eased my anxiety,
Cleared my head,
And allowed me to
Give space for my emotions...
All I could really feel
Was relief...
Release...
Freedom...
The negative aspect?
As calm as my reaction was,
I broke.
Like a fever breaking...
Slowly crumbling
Like a soap bubble
Frozen 
And then lightly struck...
No explosions...
The bubble
Is also a cage...
I could feel the constrictor
Uncoil itself from my ribcage,
And I could breathe...
A shadow 
Slithering away under the bed...
But is it me that could breathe?
Or was it that other me...
The one she liked so much
On those rare days, early on,
When we drank...
The uninhibited me...
The Mr. Hyde
To my Dr. Jekyll...
He's actually saved me 
In the past...
Just a comforting, strong voice
In my head...

A tiny dose of Dissociative Identity Disorder...
He's filling in the cracks
Of what I once was,

Kintsugi technique...
Saving my wellbeing once again...
But I'm still me...
This is a fusion,
Not a possession...
I'm me,
But I'm no longer
Ruled by fear...
No longer measuring my worth
By if I have a significant other
To love me...
Approve of me...
Comfort me in the night...
I am enough...
("I'm good enough,
Smart enough,
And, gosh darnit, 
People like me.")
It almost sounds that silly,
But
I am enough.
I did my best.
I can sleep at night.
I'm at peace with my reactions.
I'm allowed to explore my emotions...
To breathe, and think, and process...
And express...
"Only God can judge me now,
That which does not kill me can only make me stronger
(That's for real)
And I don't see why everybody feel as though
They gotta tell me how to live my life
(You know?)
Let me live baby, let me live..."
Tupac...
Started off
With the Digital Underground...
Get your packets here...
Yeah,
Not everything ends with a bang...
The smoke still lingers...
Slender translucent white fingers
Hovering in the air...