Existential Dread

 I feel everything too much...
And I feel nothing at all...
I don't desire to die,
But I can't remember, exactly, how to live...
I don't want to care
About my credit score...
I don't want to worry
About the fact
That everything eventually succumbs
To entropy
And falls apart...
Vehicles, devices, relationships, 
Emotional attachments...
Nothing lasts forever,
And so I have learned
That I can't count on anything...
You have to be happy
With what the current brings,
what washes up on shore,
Or you have to be happy
where the current carries you...
I've grown tired
Of trying to be 
What other people want
Or expect...
I was never great at it,
But I could be entertaining
Jumping through hoops,
Or being the jester for the Queen...
I don't have it in me
Anymore
To put in that much work...
Especially
If, in the end,
We were just
Wasting each other's time...
I have wasted so much time
Building sand castles
And sand mandalas 
Hoping that they would be
More durable than they
Turned out to be...
Vows scattered
By the breeze
Like dandelion seeds...
Children
Torn to pieces
Or expelled...
As a child,
I was terrified of death...
The thought of it...
Or, I thought I was...
Maybe I was just scrambling to name the general feeling of terror
That anxiety disorder brings...
Maybe I was searching
Extant reality
For something real...
For something that seemed to make sense
In causing such terror...
I don't think that death was it...
I think the terror exists
In and of itself,
For no discernible reason
Other than brain chemicals...
I try to tell myself
That as long as I am still living,
Still trying,
That I haven't failed...
But I still often feel
Like I have...
I struggle against myself...
Barely comfortable in my own skin.. 
Every day is a struggle
To feel complete...
A struggle to survive and provide...
A struggle to find meaning...
A struggle to feel
"Happy"...
And, as they say, the struggle is real,
Even when it feels like a bad trip...
x