There was a barely perceptible trill at the end of the sentence, slightly catching her breath...
The kind of thing you can see when a school girl has a crush...
The kind of thing I used to hear in her voice when she spoke to or about me,
but haven't heard in many years...
Her body language changed for just a moment...
Seemed almost happy for an instant...
If I saw this or heard this in a stranger's voice as they spoke about something they enjoyed,
it would have made me smile,
maybe,
but I'm too close to this moment to smile,
haven't really smiled a genuine smile in a long time...
Too close to this moment, this person,
but more than a million miles away...
This whole event
was small...
Insignificant and meaningless...
But insignificant and meaningless things can tear me apart...
My emotions are stronger than most,
despite outward appearances of indifference or calm...
despite years of being accused by various lovers
that I lack a certain emotional depth...
I hold back the river
which might be destructive if set free...
I've tried to shut them down,
and it appears to others that I have been successful...
But I haven't been...
And even these little things
tear me down...
It took me years to be able to be comfortable saying the words "I love you" to anybody...
And in this tiny, insignificant moment,
I saw a momentary spark of happy emotion in her,
even if only for a split second...
She doesn't want this man romantically,
she was just describing a thing that made her happy,
but she doesn't want me either...
Not that way...
Not any more...
That brief sparkle in her,
it wasn't for me...
x
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