Another Bad Day

 An emptiness settles in...
It works its way down into the chest...
It's not a physical sensation,
But it's a physical sensation...
Stepping out for a moment 
Into 106° heat
Doesn't help...
Isolating for so long that it's become a habit...
Not reaching out for help...
Not wanting anyone else to carry the weight...
My precious...
Not wanting to be seen like this,
Even though this is how I am now...
The world seems so far away
Even while I'm in it...
Far from home...
Thousands of miles,
And for so many years...
No tears,
Though they would be welcome,
But those cupboards are empty...
Waiting for a change in me...
Holding on by bloody fingertips... 
Waiting for a change in the world,
But this world is so much older than I...
Very little lifts me up, lately,
Even though the sensation feels like floating...
The thoughts are heavy...
Trying to say "this too shall pass,"
But that is the long view...
In this moment,
There is a soft paralysis...
A slow chill despite the heat...
A shadow living in the full light of day...
There are goals to leave this place, Texas...
More than a year off...
There will be an escape from this place,
Geographically speaking,
But my thoughts will be carried with me...
Will likely carry them home...
The people who could help buoy me up,
Family and old friends,
I will see them then, in person...
Right now, they are a world away...
Never should have left them behind...
There is guilt...
There is shame...
Try to face it and stare it down...
Have a hard time forgiving others, 
But I try...
Forgive myself for what I have done
That may have hurt others...
Growth has been endured since then...
Understand the past why's of it all...
It's harder to forgive myself for me hurting me...
Any person that I caused pain,
Was me hurting me...
Didn't know what I was doing,
But in learning,
I feel I have wasted so much time...
A half century plus,
And all I have to my name is life experience...
The emptiness actively circulating from head to chest and back again...
Motivation on ice...
Straining at the chains I've put on myself...
Feeding on the emptiness
As a child poking dead things with a stick...