Nobody Home

 There's nobody home...
Eyes, just glistening orbs...
They only shine 
By reflecting light off of
Moist ocular tissue...
Purely physical...
Mechanical...
There is no light behind them...
No fire inside...
Nothing hard,
And nothing soft...
Just void...
Disassociated and dry...
She may have lived there,
Existed,
At some point
In the distant past...
But the shell
Appears to be abandoned...
Visibly in need
Of extensive repair...
No longer the soul
Of a home...
Maybe never was,
But it's not a terrible thing
To offer
The benefit of the doubt...
It's as close to hope
As can be managed
In this particular case...
No joy...
No exuberance...
Flat line 
On the emotional EKG...
Coding...
Like a living dead girl...
Unless you're in a coma,
Life should not be classifiable
As a vegetative state...
I feel pity for this walking corpse,
But can't find any other lingering
Emotion to apply...
Can't bring myself to care...
Can't seem to recognize
Why I was initially drawn to her...
Was it really for such shallow reasons?
The first kiss 120 pounds ago
When she still had teeth,
16 years my junior...
Does that sound shallow of me?
It should,
Because it is.
My lack of substance 
Was all it took
For me to ignore
Her lack of substance...
I am easily distracted
By pretty things...
Once I'm hooked,
"In love,"
Even if the "pretty" part
Goes away,
They are still the most 
Beautiful thing
I know...
Until they project their pain
Onto me,
And reality tears away
That thin veneer
Of romantic delusion and illusion...
Often what I saw in them
Was a reflection of myself...
And often
They were mirroring
The socially visible
Parts of me
For reasons
That turn out to be
Murky and obscure...
They don't really see me,
I don't really see them...
We'd like to think 
There was some real connection,
But since consensus reality
May be nothing more than illusion,
How "real" can any connection be?
My vice
Is this need to
Test the waters
To see if the water
Is beginning to boil...
How can one know
Good vs evil
Without experiencing both?
How can one know pain from pleasure
Without being touched
By both?
Combining the two agents together
In various admixtures 
To see what chemical reaction
Incites a measurable change...
This is my vice...
Curiosity is a curse,
Ensuring 
That I am always living
In interesting times...